


What happens off camera affects on camera ~ TYTHAN

by RubyGirl35



Series: TYTHAN [1]
Category: Tythan - Fandom
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Ishipit, Itsgonnabecute, M/M, Pining, Self-Harm, Triggers, Tythan, enjoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-03-21 17:42:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 35,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13746036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RubyGirl35/pseuds/RubyGirl35
Summary: A fic from Tyler's POV, his thoughts of Ethan and how he falls more and more in love with him as they get together. They try to keep their relationship a secret, but events on Mark's You're Welcome tour do not allow this. There's not enough Tythan in this world. I'm not good at summarys - Enjoy!





	1. It begins with a beat

**Author's Note:**

> No matter how angst this gets, trust me, it will end happily ever after, (cause I'm a sucker for romance)...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx
> 
> WARNING: Self-Harm is addressed

It may not seem like it, but by now this had become normal. It was by now a regular, every other day occurrence.  
Tyler would go to Mark’s house, and everyone would be there. Amy, Kathryn, Chica. Ethan.

Everyday he would wonder what Ethan would be wearing. Yesterday it was a light grey hoodie, and he had kept the hood up for most of the day, which was annoying, because it made it more difficult to see his eyes and his hair and his many different expressions. The zipper was up as well, and he kept his hands either in the pockets or holding onto his phone and scrolling through it, Instagram or Twitter, sometimes Facebook.

Sometimes his hands would be elsewhere; running through his hair, (which was a habit of his), or holding something else, such as a glass, or a pizza box, (but normally that would be on his lap). Other times, mostly when they were doing a livestream for charity, his hands would be on a controller, or a keyboard, or his phone still, and his gaze would either be focused and serious, or bubbly and silly.

Sometimes,(rarely), when they were sat together, and Mark wasn't in the middle of them, their hands would brush against each other's by accident, (or on purpose, but only on Tyler’s part), and Ethan’s eyes would quickly glance in his direction, not at him but near enough. But it was very quick, so it was likely that he was reading too much into it.

These were the thoughts that ran through Tyler’s head as he was falling asleep the night before, and as he dressed in the morning, and also as he walked up the driveway to Mark’s front door.

“Hey.” Mark smiled, patting Chica. “Come in.” So, that was Mark and Chica.

Amy and Kathryn sat on the couch together; Amy was on her laptop, and Kathryn was on her phone.  
Tyler felt his muscles tense as he took a seat next to Kathryn. “Where's Ethan?”

“Said he can't come over, today.” Mark slouched down onto the floor in front of Amy, and she subconsciously ran her hand through his hair, gently. “I think he must be sick, or something.”

Tyler left earlier than usual that day, saying that he had some work to catch up on. He headed to Ethan’s new apartment, his brow furrowed with confusion as he sat in his car, skimming past traffic.

“Ethan?” Tyler yelled. He'd already knocked on his door a number of times, but still he got no answer. He felt his phone buzz against the back of his thigh, and reached for it.

Eth <3 : Door’s open. (God, Tyler would kill himself if Ethan ever saw his contact name)

“Ethan?” Tyler slowly stepped through the entrance, closing the door softly behind him. As he approached the front room, he noticed a mess of blankets draped across his couch, TV blank. He wasn't there.  
Tyler tried the bedroom. No Ethan.

Bathroom. Ethan.

“E-” his words cut short, seeing crimson blood, clear as day, stained against the cold, white tiles. He fell on his knees, (bad move), his eyes trying to make contact with Ethan’s, but not succeeding. His head hung down, and the only sign that Tyler was given at Ethan still being alive was a slight sniff every other minute.

Tyler’s gaze grazed over the blood again, noticing how it trickled from Ethan’s wrist. There was a razor blade by the side of his knuckle. He lifted his look back up to Ethan’s eyes, which were now a little more clear to see. He lifted his hand up, gently and hesitantly, placing it below Ethan’s chin. Their eyes met, and Tyler felt a twang in his heart. He looked empty.

Asking what happened would have been a stupid thing to say. It was obvious what had happened, and the thought of it was enough to make him want to throw up. Asking if he was okay would also have been just as ridiculous. He was clearly not alright. In short, he didn't know what to say. Was there anything to say about this?  
Tyler’s hand left Ethan’s chin, pulling back a little, but finding itself against Ethan’s cheek, thumb wiping the tears away. His eyes were still searching. Searching for another sign of him still being alive. The sniffs weren't enough.

He wanted more than anything to say something, but the words wouldn't come out. He felt like asking a question, any question, even the stupid one. Just something to gain a vocal response.  
Come on, Tyler. Do something. Anything.  
Ethan’s gaze dropped. He glanced back to the blade, and Tyler, without thinking, immediately grabbed ahold of it, walking over to the bin and throwing it down aggressively. His brow furrowed into a scowl, but he removed it as he turned his eyes back to Ethan. His body was limp.

Please, Ethan. Give me something.

“I...” His voice croaked out, and Tyler felt another twang on his heartstrings at the sound of it. “I never wanted you to see me like this.”  
Tyler crouched back down again, butt settling on heels.

“I’m sorry.” Ethan’s eyes were less empty now. They were still melancholy, but despite his words, they were pleading. Pleading for a response.

“For what?” Although the lump in his throat was limiting, he managed to choke it out. “For being human?”

This was the answer he was hoping for. Ethan shook his head, and stifled a small, broken laugh.“For being weak.”

“Hey, hey, look at me.” Tyler placed his hand against his cheek again, thumb running over the same spot. “You're not weak, Ethan. You're not.”

Ethan smiled weakly, but soon tears began to run, and he sniffed again. Tyler wiped every single one of them away.  
“What- What time is it?” Ethan asked, running his hand across his face.

“Um, I think around four.”

“Would you- I mean- would you mind staying for a while?”

Tyler smirked, wrapping his arms around him, and pulling him into a gentle embrace, one hand cradling his head.  
Pulling away, Tyler gave him a reassuring smile and nod, turning his look to Ethan’s still bloodied wrist. Standing up, he routed through the medicine cabinet, finding bandages and plasters. He locked eyes with Ethan, making sure that he was comfortable, and, laying his limp arm against his leg, tended to his wound. When it was all covered, he ran his thumb cautiously along the edge, resisting the urge to cry.  
Without warning, Tyler reached down, picking up Ethan, cradling his body in his arms so that his head lay against his chest. He smiled sadly, heading into the front room, and carefully placing him down onto the couch, covering him up with one of the many blankets.

“Would you like dinner, now? I could order something?”

Ethan nodded, hesitant at answering. “Could we get some pizza?”

“Of course.” Tyler grabbed his phone, dialling up Ethan’s favourite pizza place. “One Hawaiian, and one pepperoni, please.” Tyler took note of how Ethan’s eyes brightened up slightly at this order.  
When the call was done, he placed his phone on the coffee table, glancing back softly. “Do you want a drink?”

“Water, please.”

Tyler nodded, walking into the kitchen. When he returned, he placed the two glasses of water down onto the table, turning back to Ethan again.

“Do you want me to get a film to watch?”

“I-I have Netflix?”

Tyler nodded again, settling himself down next to Ethan’s now a little less weak body, but still felt his shoulder slouch against his own.  
He grabbed the remote, and they started flicking through film options.

“That one.” Ethan murmured abruptly, and Tyler had to go back to it.

“This one?” It was titled ‘Boys’, and appeared to be in another language. “You like subtitled films?”

Ethan nodded slowly, and Tyler felt him slouch a little more into his side.  
“Okay.” Tyler was about to press play when the pizza arrived. He got up, walking to the door. “Thank you.” He paid the delivery guy, and set the pizza down on the table as he replaced his butt onto the couch. He opened the two boxes, taking a slice of pepperoni and taking a bite. He gestured to the Hawaiian, and Ethan slowly took a slice as the film began to play.  
Ethan rested his body against Tyler’s frame as the film continued, and Tyler subconsciously adjusted his arm so he was more comfortable, wrapping it around him.  
“You okay?”

Ethan nodded again, nestling his head into his side. Tyler stifled a small chuckle, running his hand against Ethan’s side softly.  
The film had reached a scene where the four boys were cycling through a forest, eventually arriving at a small lake. As it got later on, three of the boys left.

“He's gonna go back.” Ethan smirked.

“What? Which one?”

“The main one.”  
Ethan was right. He went back, and the two boys kissed.  
Oh. It's one of those films.

‘I'm not gay.’  
‘Of course you're not.’

Ethan chuckled lightly, and Tyler smirked.  
“Sure he's not.” He grabbed another slice of pepperoni pizza. He was glad to see that Ethan was cheering up.  
After a while, the film reached their second kiss, and Tyler couldn't help but glance down at Ethan. He let out a sharp breath, turning his glance back to the screen.

“Is something up?” Ethan asked.

“Nope. All good.” Tyler reassured him, but his arm pulled him closer.

“Okay.” His tone was a little more perky than before, and Tyler felt his heart flutter at the sound of it.  
When the film came to an end, Tyler felt Ethan’s body tense and stretch, a large yawn brushing past his ear.

“You tired?”

“Nope. All good.”

Tyler nodded, moving his arm away as Ethan readjusted himself. “Wanna watch another one?”

“Don't you have to go home?” He asked, but the look of hope was still clearly visible.

“I can stay over.” He shrugged, smiling. “So, film?”

Tyler felt Ethan’s soft breathing against him as the credits rolled out. He looked down, smiling.

“Ethan.” He whispered, leaning his head down a little. 

His eyes opened slowly, and he glanced up at him, stretching. “Are you leaving?”

“Not if you need me to stay.” Tyler smiled reassuringly, and Ethan nodded.  
He stood up slowly, but now that his body was even weaker from sleep, he stumbled back. Luckily Tyler caught him.

“You want me to walk with you?”

“Okay.” He hesitantly replied, and they walked to his bedroom. Ethan lay down, and Tyler turned to walk away. “Wait-” he paused mid-step. “I thought you were staying?” Ethan’s words were shy, and Tyler turned to face a pair of reddened cheeks.

“I am. I thought you wanted me to take the couch?”  
Ethan hid his face behind his duvet covers.  
“But, I can stay here too, if you want?” He saw him nod slyly, so slipped in next to him.  
Ethan, almost immediately, wrapped his arm around Tyler’s torso, pulling himself up to his side. Tyler smiled, wrapping his arm around him in return.

“It's okay to be like this, sometimes, ya know? It's okay to be human.”  
He buried his head into his side again, sighing with a small nod.

“Thank you, Ty.”

Tyler didn't want to admit it, but this affected him. Pretty badly, too.  
Not only did he see Ethan in a state he hoped he would never be in again, but now he was holding him. As selfish as it was, he couldn't help but feel this way.  
He thought Ethan was dying, or dead, and that was bad enough on it’s own. Now he got to hold him the way in which he’d wanted to for the longest of times.  
Except, it isn't like that at all, because Ethan still doesn't know. You’d think that he would, by now. He's just so, innocent. So childlike, so giddy, so adorable. So kind, bubbly, bright.  
And yet, today, so broken, weak, the complete opposite, and Tyler. He couldn't help but love him even more.


	2. You had me on my feet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

Ethan woke up, yawning and stretching his arms and legs out. He ran his hand across the bed sheets, adjusting his eyes to see an empty bed. “Tyler?” He mumbled, looking around the room. Sighing, he stood up, going into his bathroom and getting dressed. He took note that the blood had been cleaned, which it wasn't last night. Tyler was always so thoughtful.  
Dressed and ready, Ethan exited his room and walked into the front room. Upon reaching the couch, he heard noises emanating from the kitchen. “Tyler?”

“Ethan? That you?” Tyler’s voice yelled, and Ethan headed over. What he found was not what he was expecting.  
Tyler was making breakfast. Even better, Tyler was making pancakes! AND bacon!  
“Thought I’d make you some breakfast to get your strength back up.” He smiled, flipping a pancake with ease.

“Thank you.”

“You're welcome.”

Ethan was in awe. No one, not since he was a small child, had ever made him breakfast before. Especially not pancakes.  
“They smell really good.” Ethan smiled, coming up next to his side.

Tyler’s ears burned, and it took him a while to answer. “Just better hope that they taste as good.”  
When the pancakes were made and the bacon was cooked, they sat down together and tucked in.  
Tyler carefully watched Ethan take his first bite, praying to the pancake God that they were good. He was delightfully surprised and relieved when his eyes brightened and he rushed to take another bite.

“Careful, kiddo.” He chuckled, taking his own bites slowly.

“Sorry.” Ethan beamed. “It's really good!”

Tyler glanced at Ethan, and couldn't help but thing of how things had left off last night. Part of his heart saddened, but another part was relieved and anxious.

“Hey, um, Ethan?”

“Yeah?” His glance looked up to meet him, as he swallowed another bite of pancake.

“Well, I was just wondering, what your plans are for today?”

“My plans?” Tyler nodded, and Ethan continued. “Well, I suppose I'll record another couple of videos, do some editing, ya know. The usual stuff!” Strange. His smile was just like always. “Why?”

“I just thought that maybe you should take a little break. Give yourself a bit more time to properly recover.”  
Ethan shook his head, taking another bite, and forcing a clearly fake smile. At least, it was clearly fake to Tyler. 

“I’m fine.”

“Ethan.” He didn't mean to, but it came out so abruptly that he sounded a little severe.

“I don't need to take a break, really.”  
Tyler pondered, allowing his look to wander over his own plate of food.

“Then perhaps-” he cut himself off, forcing himself to look up. “We good do some videos together?”

“Collab?” Ethan looked up, thinking. “Not sure what games we could collab on. Oo, we could play some Mariokart, like me and Mark played!”

“I mean, yeah, sure.”

“But, don't you have anywhere you need to be today?”

“Not really. It's a Saturday.”  
Ethan nodded, and continued eating the pancakes. 

“Welp, okay then!”  
What neither of them were expecting to find out was that Tyler was pretty damn good at it, too. They played a total of five games; 2 sets of races, and 3 of the balloon challenges. Tyler won 1 set of races, and 2 of the balloon challenges. Ethan complained. A lot.

“Oh well!” He cheerily stretched, and placed his remote control down. “What do you want to do now?”  
Well, that's a bad question to ask. There could be many answers. ‘Look after you’ was one of them, and just simply ‘you’ also sufficed.   
Tyler shook away these thoughts and smiled. 

“I'm not bothered. Whatever.”

“We could go get some lunch?” Ethan. So innocent. If Tyler had asked this question, it would have been a date in his mind.

“Sure.” He shrugged, and they both started getting ready to leave.


	3. I looked at you; your eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

“I don't know. Thinking about getting a toastie!”  
If Ethan hadn't have sounded so cheery, Tyler would have doubting picking the foodplace of choice. Why did he, anyway? This felt too much like a date.

“You know that you can have more than that, if it's just because of the price. I really don't mind paying a little more.”

“No, I'm not bothered about that, really! I'm just in the mood for it.”

“Okay. As long as you're sure.”

“Mm hmm!” Ethan hummed, looking over at Tyler’s menu for no reason. “What are you having?”

“Honestly, think I'll have what you're having.”  
When the waitress came over, Tyler ordered for them both. The lady walked off, not before winking to both of them. Tyler assumed that she was suggesting that it really did seem like a date. That she thought they were a couple. Just thinking that word caused a lump in his throat.  
Ethan, on the other hand, believed that the waitress had only winked at Tyler, and smirked to himself, even though there was a small, sharp twang in his chest. He didn't really notice it.

“What?” Tyler squeezed past the lump, which had now increased in size from Ethan’s own reaction.

“Nothing. I think she was into you, dude.”  
Tyler breathed out a small sigh of relief, taking a sip of his drink.

“I don't think that's why she winked.”

“Why else would she?” Ethan chuckled, playing with a bracelet on his wrist. Tyler could see the bandage past the long-sleeved jacket he was wearing.  
He decided it best not to answer this question, swirling his glass around.

“Say, what did you want to do later?”

“Hm?” Ethan glanced up, locking their gazes together for a second, and pulling away in embarrassment. “Um, I think I'll need to edit.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“But, I'm sure you'll have things to do. Ya know, work stuff.”

“Yeah! Yeah...” Tyler glanced at the corner of the table, running his thumb around. The hell was he meant to say now? ‘Oh, I was actually hoping I could stay over with you. Mostly because I don't want to leave you alone, as it sparks the possibility of you cutting yourself again. But also because I'm pretty sure that I'm in love with you, and I'd like it very much if you'd let me hold you and kiss your lips and your chest and your-’

The waitress walked over with their food, breaking through Tyler’s thoughts. Turns out that it had been a lot longer of an awkward silence than Tyler had once assumed.  
Ethan began tucking in, and Tyler did soon after. He felt a tension in the atmosphere, especially as their feet knocked each other's. Would it have been less or more awkward if Tyler had sat next to him in a secluded booth rather than opposite him on a much more public table?

Tyler’s eating pace slowed slightly, as he thought about them in a secluded booth. He knew that he probably shouldn't be thinking about this, at least not here and now, (maybe later). Not while Ethan was sat in front of him, smaller legs between his larger ones, his eyes hiding shyly, or glancing around the room. Not while he ate, a little hurriedly and childlike, but hey it was adorable, so who was he to judge. But still, he thought about it.  
He thought about how much closer they'd be; hip to hip, thigh to thigh. The height and body size difference, also. His thighs would be smaller than his, but big enough to rest his hand on. Run it over. Up. Up is better.  
Not too far, though. He didn't want to weird him out, he already had the face of a murderer. Only when he was ready.  
What was he saying? This isn't a date, there are not together. They probably never will be. They won't. If only they would.

“Tyler?” Ethan’s words shattered his thoughts. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm fine.” He nodded, continuing to eat at his regular pace. He'd realised that the concern in Ethan’s voice most probably came from the fact that Tyler’s gaze had been focused on his bandaged wrist, and made sure to move it elsewhere. He felt like he was being judged.  
Ethan’s own pace slowed, almost to a halt, as he placed an arm across his thighs. Maybe Tyler had been staring there, as well.

When they were both finished, Tyler paid and drove Ethan back to his apartment. He saw him inside, then left. He wasn't sure as to why, but something felt a little more distant between them. And then, it didn't. He felt closer to him, as he'd learned something that no one else knew. It wasn't exactly a nice piece of knowledge, but it was still a piece.

What Ethan had said still played in Tyler’s mind. ‘I didn't want you to see me like this.’ You. Maybe he was looking too much into this, but he could have said that he didn't want anyone to see him like that. But no, he specified Tyler.  
Then, when it came to Ethan, Tyler always read into things a little deeper than anyone should. That was only because he hoped that there was always something more to their relationship than what he could make out. Innocent little signs that Ethan could give him as a way of telling him ‘oh yeah, I like you by the way’, or ‘I'm bisexual/gay, and I think that I'm into you’, just something. Like, I don't know, the fact that the film he chose was a gay film, or that he leant against him during the entirety of it, or that he pulled himself closer to his chest at night. All of these things were clear signs, weren't they? Yet still, there was no real development in their relationship, nothing ground-breaking.

Why wasn't there?


	4. Hoping that you wouldn't despise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

The next time that they saw each other wasn't for a charity livestream. It was for them.  
Much to Tyler's surprise, on the morning of Said day, he received a text from Ethan, asking him if he wanted to come over, (if he wasn't busy). Upon his arrival, he knocked at the door, and instead recieved another text.

Eth <3 : Let yourself in. (God, maybe he should change the contact name)

Tyler entered, but felt his heart racing. Why? Because the last time he came over he walked in on what he thought was Ethan's corpse. Oh, also, because Tyler was in love with him.  
He found Ethan straight away, wrapped up in blankets, watching TV. His intial thought was that maybe he was sick. His second was that Ethan felt a little unsteady, and needed some support. It was neither of those.  
Tyler was shocked, but very happily surprised to see a toothy grin from Ethan.

“Hey!”

“What's up?” Tyler asked almost immediately. He couldn't help but feel on edge about it all.  
In that moment, Ethan couldn't help but feel a little bashful. His grin turned a little less toothy and a little more slim, and he felt himself shy away into his blankets. His cheeks coloured.

“I kinda just hoped that we could chill out. It made me really happy when we did before.”  
Tyler felt his ears burn, and his heart throb. The following word caught in his mouth.

“Sure.”

“‘Kay!” He beamed, and sunk his neck into the warm sheets as Tyler slunk himself down next to him.  
Disheartening to Tyler, Ethan did not lean against his side, or nestle his head just below his chest. He cleared his throat, putting on a smile.

“So, what are we watching?”

“I was thinking, maybe, a Disney film?” Ethan smirked, and Tyler immediately felt pained. Why did he have to be so god damn cute?

“Which one?”

“Oo, The Lion King!” He announced, glad that Tyler hadn't just said no straight away.

“Okay.”

All he wanted to do was to wrap his arm around him, pull him closer. He didn't.  
Ethan adjusted himself, adjusting his blanket. Tyler noticed how it covered his whole body completely, and smiled.

“Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase!” Ethan said in a goofy voice, and Tyler was obliged to join in.

“Hakuna Matata. Ain't no passing craze.” Only a little less enthusiastically.

“It means no worries for the rest of your days!” Ethan began clicking his fingers, and Tyler resisted the urge to laugh.

“It's our problem free-”

“PHILOSOPHY!”

“Hakuna Matata.” Tyler chuckled, unconsciously allowing his arm to drape around Ethan's, pulling him a little closer. “You're crazy, blue boy.”

“You know that my hair isn't blue anymore, right?” A smirk played at his lips.

“I know. You'll always be blue boy, though.”

“Okay.” Ethan chuckled, allowing his body to relax against Tyler’s, his head resting just below his chest. Just like before. Just like how Tyler remembered.  
His hand was also in a similar place as before, as well. If the blanket wasn't there, he would have been a lot more tempted to run circles against his side with his thumb, (even if he was still wearing clothes). But the blanket was there, and he found that it annoyed him. But Ethan must have been cold, and he looked very comfortable, so who was he to take it away from him?

“Tyler?”

“Yeah?”

“How long can you stay for, today?” Ethan’s breathing was steady, relaxed.

“For however long you want me to stay for.” How was he supposed to leave him? He was wrapped up in a blanket, resting against his side, while watching and singing along to Disney films. Could he get much cuter?

“Okay.” Ethan hummed, breathing out slowly.  
When the film came to its inevitable end, Ethan stretched out with a yawn.

“What do you wanna eat?” His voice sounded a little gruff, even if he hadn't actually fallen asleep.

“I don't mind. Whatever.”

“We could have Mac n’ Cheese!”  
Tyler smiled. Ethan seemed to have an obsession with Mac and Cheese.

“Okay, sure.”

“Yes!” Ethan beamed, jumping up from the couch, almost immediately heading over to the kitchen.  
When the food was made, Ethan served it up onto two plates, giving the one with more on it to Tyler. They retook their seats, and put on another film; The Little Mermaid. Tyler internally sighed, but as long as Ethan was happy, he didn't care what they watched.


	5. What lies underneath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a short boy, but things are building up!
> 
> Edited for easier reading xx

“I think that I may need to go soon, bud.” Tyler sulked, and so did Ethan.

“That's okay. It's getting late, anyways.” Ethan yawned, pushing the blanket off of them both. Yes, it had ended up on them both. Mostly because Ethan could not be bothered to get up to get another one.  
Tyler hesitated for a moment. He didn't want to stand straight away, so pulled out his phone, delaying his inevitable departure.  
Ethan lifted his head up to read through his phone; he was going through tumblr, and immediately stopped upon seeing fanart of the ‘Markiplier Family’.

“That's kinda good, huh?” Tyler angled the screen in a better light for Ethan, earning a small nod in return.

“Yeah, it is. Everyone is so talented in Mark’s fan base.”  
Tyler, eventually, turned his phone off, placing it in his pocket before turning to face Ethan with a sad smile. He got the same smile in return. But, Ethan was slightly better at putting on a facade. He knew that, now.

“Guess I have to go now.”

“Mm.” Ethan hummed, but changed his tune as a sudden realisation popped into his head. “We have another charity livestream soon, though. Day after next, I think.”

“Yeah, it is.” Tyler, what are you doing? Stop looking at his eyes like that. Don't you know that you'll get lost?

“Okay.” Wait, were they moving closer?

“Okay.” Is this happening?

Ethan's eyes closed, but they both pulled back as a notification practically screamed out from Tyler's phone.  
For fuck sake!  
Ethan ran a hand across his face quickly, rubbing away the moment. Tyler looked back at him, but realised that the opportunity was missed. Hopefully now, at least, this meant something more to Ethan. Maybe now he'd feel the same.  
He stood up, was seen to the door, and left.


	6. Yet here you are again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

The day of the next charity livestream finally arrived. However, it was delayed, and Mark suggested that they do it the next day instead. Tyler agreed, but as he ended the call, he felt slightly annoyed. He wanted to see Ethan. But, he couldn't just keep going around to his apartment all the time. It would get weird. Right? Right.  
Maybe if he asked, Ethan would want to meet up somewhere? Go to town? The beach! Ethan loved the beach, they could go there!  
But, then, he was probably recording videos, or editing, or something.  
Maybe, he thought, he should get a dog. Then he'd have more of an excuse. ‘Oh, yeah, I have to walk Fido, and I thought the beach would be a good idea.’ Why Fido?  
Whatever.

The beach.  
Tyler got out his phone, flipping through the contacts. He didn't have that many people on his phone. Only the really important people.

Eth <3

Text or ring? Text.  
‘Would you like to go to the beach?’ (He couldn't think of a good opening line, he kept deleting the message and restarting it)

Eth <3 : Sure!

‘Okay, I'll be over to pick you up soon.’ This felt like a couple thing. Like a date. It wasn't.  
Tyler grabbed some bits, got into his car, and drove off.

Ethan answered the door himself for once, smiling at him as he held what looked like a gym bag in his arms. Tyler assumed it was once his old gymnastics bag.

“Hey!” Ethan beamed, closing the door behind him.

“Hi.” Tyler smiled back, heart thumping as they walked down to the car. This really did feel like a date.

“So, why’d you wanna go to the beach?” Ethan was curious as he took the passenger seat, resting his bag at his feet.

“Just felt like it, really.”  
Ethan nodded in understanding, and as they began to drive, Tyler found himself fighting the urge to pull Ethan's hand over and rest it on his knee. Run his thumb over his dainty fingers. He was just so precious.

“Come on, dude! I wanna swim!” Ethan ran down to the waters edge, and Tyler felt his stomach twist into a knot as he removed his shirt and pants. Standing only now in his boxers, he turned back to Tyler. “You coming?”

“I'll catch up.”

“‘Kay!” He ran into the water, letting it lap at his ankles, and slowly inched himself into the shallow. Turning back to face the shore, he felt his face burn up.  
Tyler stood, muscles ripped, placing clothes down in a pile by their deckchairs (he'd reserved them, is that too much?). He'd also made sure that all of their valuables were well hidden in his car. Anyway, that didn't matter to Ethan. All he could look at was his chest.  
He pulled his gaze away and back to the water, deciding it the best thing to do.  
Tyler eventually caught up to Ethan, urging his gaze back to him. Not his chest, (though it was difficult not to focus on that). Tyler’s smile caught his attention more, though.  
They didn't talk, as Tyler splashed some water in Ethan's face. Blinking, Ethan grinned slyly, and so the water fight began!

Ethan didn't realise how deep he'd gotten into the water until he felt himself slip back.  
Tyler didn't realise that he'd wrapped his arms around him until after he'd recovered from falling.

“You okay?” Still, he asked a stupid question. He was fine, and he didn't need his help.

“Yeah, I'm fine, I'm good.” He stumbled.  
Neither of them realised how close they were until they pulled away.


	7. Even though it all must end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

Tyler leaned back in his deck chair, breathing in the sea air and warm sunshine. This was nice. Even if the body next to him was a body that he couldn't hold.  
He opened his eyes for what had been the longest time, turning his head to catch a glimpse of Ethan. He was lying back too, although he was on his phone, and he seemed to be laughing quietly to himself.

“What you watching there, bud?”

“Oh, Tyler. Sorry.” He smirked, angling the phone to suit them both. “It's just the seven second challenge vid we made together. Sometimes I like watching it. It's funny.”

“Yeah, it is.” Although Ethan’s look went back to the video, Tyler’s mainly stayed, resting on his happy features; his eyes, his smile. Beautiful.

“Hey, Ethan?”

“Yeah?”

“I think I'm gonna go get some ice cream. You want one?”

“Oh, yes please!”

“‘Kay.” Tyler stood up, stretching first. Maybe this would catch Ethan’s eyes, (his muscles)? Or maybe Ethan wasn't into that. Who knows.  
What Tyler didn't know was that Ethan watched his back as he walked away.  
When Tyler returned with their ice creams, Ethan beamed and happily took it.

“Thank you! But, you do realise that I have money to buy things, too.” He chuckled, and so did Tyler.

“I know.” He sat back down, less relaxed this time, and began eating his ice cream. He tried not to watch Ethan eat his. Why? ‘Cause the ice cream is fucking white, and we don't want anymore ideas than he's already got.

“Hey, Tyler?” Ethan glanced at him, and Tyler back. Shit, he's adorable. He's got ice cream on the corner of his lips.

“Yeah?” Stop looking!

“Why'd you invite me?”

“Hmm?” Tyler chuckled a response, but it was mostly from nerves. “Why wouldn't I?”

“...Doesn't matter.” Ethan smiled, and continued to eat his ice cream.  
Shit, did he just screw that up? Was Ethan trying to hint at something? Did he want Tyler to say the real reason why? Fuck.  
When Ethan had finished his ice cream, he continued watching videos on his phone. He still had god damn ice cream on his lips. Christ.

“Hey, um, Ethan?” Fuck. What are you doing, Tyler?

“Yeah?” He looks so happy.  
Tyler, lifting his hand up to Ethan’s face, wiped away the ice cream with his thumb. Ethan felt blood rushing to his cheeks.

“Thank you.” Ethan murmured quietly, but Tyler didn't react. Told you you'd get lost.  
Tyler only realised what he was doing when he pulled away. All he knew was that his ears burned, and that his lips tingled.  
Ethan's own face was shy, timid. He didn't know how to appear, other than shocked and bashful.  
They didn't say another word, driving back to Ethan’s apartment in silence. If only he had kissed back.  
Maybe if he gave him more time. Maybe...


	8. But for now, let me hold you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

Tyler stood solemnly behind Ethan, who was currently routing through his bag to find his apartment keys. When he eventually found them, he struggled trying to open the door. Tyler wanted to interject, but knew that it was probably best not to. Ethan was his equal, not his child. Also, that would be incest. The fuck, you're not dating him yet. Yet.  
When the door opened, Ethan dropped his bag in the entrance, turning to face Tyler.

“I, um, I had fun today.” His smile was small. He was clearly still a little embarrassed.

“Yeah?” I need more than that. Did you enjoy everything?

“Yeah. It was really fun.” His eyes brightened up even more, but it felt more reassuring than sincere. No, come on! “Would you like to come inside?”  
Shit, my brain.

“Sure.”  
Tyler followed behind Ethan, but felt as though he was marching. As though he had a duty. His duty was to his heart, or something. That was a quote in the film they watched, Mulan 2. Why did they watch that film?  
Ethan sat down, almost with a sense of formality. Tyler sat down too.  
Where do I put my hands? How do I sit? He didn't respond, and he hasn't clarified anything. He hasn't told me how he feels. Why did I agree to come inside?  
I just to want kiss him again.

“So, did you maybe want to watch another film, or...?” Tyler asked. He had to ask something, the tension was killing him.

“Um, we can do, sure.”  
They put on a film, sitting together, barely even breathing too loudly. They weren't touching; Ethan’s body was not resting against Tyler’s, and his head was not nestled into his side.

“Tyler?”

“Yes?” Do I look, or not? Why does this have to be so complicated?

“Why did you- I mean-”

“The kiss?” Tyler turned to face him, and Ethan did the same.

“Yeah.” His cheeks were a beautiful pale pink, and he schied away again. (Ha, I'm hilarious :p)

“You don't have to worry about it. If it upsets you.”

“It doesn't.” Ethan shook his head slightly, and Tyler felt his nerves tighten and heart rate quicken. “It just, makes me feel funny.” He chuckled a little, but it was just from his nerves. “I liked it.”  
Tyler felt more nervous in this moment than he had for a long while. He had kissed Ethan. Ethan hadn't kissed back. But, Ethan liked it. He enjoyed it. Ethan also did something that Tyler never imagined that he would.

Their lips were pressed against each other's. Ethan's hands were on the neck of Tyler’s shirt, and if he had pulled anymore it might have ripped. But it was the only thing he could use to steady himself.  
Tyler placed one hand on Ethan's neck, deepening the kiss. The other he wrapped around his torso to pull their bodies closer together. This felt good. Ethan’s lips were soft, small, unexperienced. There was a hint of vanilla that remained, also. Altogether, it was perfect.  
Ethan moaned slightly against his lips, tugging harder at the collar. This felt way too good. It felt right. He was kissing with everything he had. Sure, it was somewhat messy, rushed, lustful. But that didn't make it any less enjoyable, and it certainly didn't put Tyler off. Not in the slightest. He was too busy relishing in it. All of it.

His hand on his neck, holding him. It felt almost, I don't know, possessive in a way? He wasn't sure if he really liked that idea, but he enjoyed the feeling of Ethan’s skin on his own. He imagined kissing his neck. Maybe, he could do that now?  
His arm, wrapped around his body, hand on torso, pulling him closer. He liked him close. It made it easier to hold him, love him, protect him. He was so small, and beautiful. The earth didn't deserve him. Maybe he didn't.  
Ethan’s hands on his shirt. Tugging at it, wanting to have him closer, too. How the tips of his fingers somehow grazed his skin when he pulled. Why didn't he just rip it? Then they could be even closer.  
But then, his scars. Though, he'd seen them before, he supposed. He still was a little self-conscious about them.  
Imagine. Ethan kissing the scars. That was better.  
No, this was better. The feeling of Ethan’s lips. The taste, the closeness. As crazy as it sounds, he wanted this forever. He wanted to die like this. Happy.

“I love you.” Tyler moaned. Fuck.  
Ethan pulled away, panting lightly. He could feel his breath, warm against the skin of his neck. He knew that he wouldn't say it back.  
Instead, Ethan shuffled up, pulling himself closer. He shakily wrapped his arms around his neck, eyes glancing down slightly. Tyler needed to close the gap.  
He kissed him softly. Unsure. How was he meant to just carry on? Sure, he realised that Ethan had only just found out about his feelings, and it's not exactly unnatural to want to wait a while before saying it back. But still. It was something. It hurt.

It hurt less when Ethan ran his fingers through his hair, pulling at it lightly. Woah. He didn't know he was into that.  
They soon pulled apart again, but it was mostly because Ethan couldn't breathe. Tyler smiled, placing his hand over his head, almost cradling it.  
Ethan fell into his chest, and Tyler lay his back down onto the length of the couch. He held his body close to him, allowing him time to regain his composure and, well, breath. He ran his hand over his head, playing with the strands of hair. It's true, his hair wasn't blue anymore. It was a soft brown, like chestnuts. It was beautifully kissable.

“You're beautiful.” Maybe shouldn't throw too much at him at once? “Sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel awkward, or anything.”

“No, it's fine.” Ethan was still panting lightly, and he tightened his grip on Tyler’s shirt. He smiled lightly. It radiated a warmth that Tyler could only hope to share with him. This didn't feel real.  
Was it?


	9. Because I know that you love me too

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

Tyler opened his eyes. Though they were still a little misty, the small body atop him was clear to see. That was when he realised. He hadn't gone home.  
Ethan had fallen asleep on him, and he didn't want to have to wake him up. So, he eventually must have just fallen asleep himself. He looked pretty.  
Sure, the light snores weren't exactly graceful, but Tyler liked them. He liked the feeling more, the feeling of Ethan’s slow rising and falling. A steady pace, peaceful. He liked seeing Ethan relaxed.

Tyler scowled down at his phone, which had started to buzz. It looked like a phone call from Mark.  
Shit. The livestream. That was today, right?  
When the phone stopped ringing, he could see the time. Eight. They were supposed to be there for half past seven. Fuck.

“Ethan?” Tyler whispered, though his voice was gruff and laced with sleep.  
Ethan, ever so slowly and with a dazed expression, lifted his head up to peer at Tyler.  
God, he's perfect.

“We have to go, bud.”  
An almost immediate look of panic crossed over his expressions.

“Shit, the livestream.” He sat up, pulling away from Tyler’s arms. Damnit.  
Ethan rushed into his room, only to return a second later wearing a different hoodie. Cute.

“Come on!” Ethan rushed over to the couch, grabbing his apartment keys in one hand, and Tyler’s hand in the other. He pulled him towards the door, but Tyler stopped him before he opened it.

“Wait.” He turned him around via his shoulders, urging his gaze.

“What?”

Tyler pressed his lips against Ethan’s in a soft embrace, pulling away. Ethan’s cheeks grazed pink, and he smiled bashfully.  
Removing his smile, his serious face returned, and they headed out.


	10. On me you can depend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

I know that I should have a hundred percent of my focus on the stream, or on the chat, or on Mark as we continue to attempt this friend yoga thing, but all I can focus on is your voice. I can't use my sense of sight, so my sense of hearing has somewhat extremed. I can hear every intonation in your throat, and the way in which every word is expressed. How the whole sentences escape and brush past your lips. I've kissed those lips.  
I'm blindfolded, and you're commanding me. How can I not ignore your words? How can I not imagine this without Mark, ‘behind the scenes’, in your bed, or in mine. Maybe I would rather be the one with more control, but for now I relish in the sound of your voice and my lack of sight. My lack of consciousness. Or, rather, my unconscious pleasure.  
I need to focus.

But how can I, when three hours ago you were wearing a collar, which was tight against your skin. How can I, when the sound you made every time it shocked you is playing on repeat in my mind. I wanted more than anything than to take it off of you, but at the same time the thought of it being removed was a let down.  
I feel like a tool for wanting you like this. Intimately. We've only just kissed, and I'm thinking about a number of ways in which I could make you feel pleasure. In which I could make you hard, hear you pant against my skin. Sinful images cross my mind, and I can't help but think of more. The more I think, the more I want, and the faster my hunger grows. My need for you is sinful. Yet, I am sinless.

I've never wanted anyone more than this, more than you. These thoughts, these images, the sounds that you make, they cloud everything else. I know that this isn't lust, and I know that this is love. I know because it's you. Only you.  
There, that's a better thought; me, holding your hands in mine. I can't think about the size of your hands, because it leads to me wondering the size of your other things. I can't think about the shape and width of your fingers, because that leads to the same thing. I can think about the lines in your palms, or of the feeling of your skin on mine, or, better yet, pulling your knuckles to my lips and showing you the love that I feel and the love that you deserve.  
My stomach hurts.

This part is over, which means we have another half an hour off camera to goof around. It means I don’t have to worry about glancing at you, at your body, without the title of Tythan running through the chat. I guess it may be accurate, now. I hope so.  
You get your phone out and scroll through whatever; Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, whichever it is this time. I don't care about what it is. I just like seeing how you react to it all. Sometimes your eyes widen and fill with emotions, either happiness or surprised, and other times you just straight out laugh. The rest of the time, when none of it effects you, your face is resting, and your face when it's resting isn't calm or relaxed as the term suggests, but instead it is focused.

I stand up, watching you. I would sit down next to you, but I don't think it's helping my knee very much, this constant up and down. I watch you look at me. It's meant to be a quick once over, but instead your eyes catch mine and linger. Maybe it's because of what my eyes are telling of; my love for you shows. Or maybe it's because you want to look at me as much as I, you. You're beautiful. I'm not. But, you make me feel like I can be.  
Mark says something silly to Amy, and your eyes look away. They fill with a happiness. The throbbing sensation of my heart does not sease.  
I feel sick.

I excuse myself in silence, heading to the bathroom. I close the door behind me. I feel like throwing up, but I know that nothing will come. I forgot to have breakfast, due to my lateness, our lateness, and we haven't had lunch yet. I dry heave. There's a knock at the door.

“Ty?”  
You care about me, don't you? It feels nice, this whole thing between us now. I’d write a novel for you.

“Tyler? Are you okay?” The heaving stops. All I can hear is you. You're all that I want to hear.  
I stand up, but he's already opened the door, peering in before entering completely. You look worried about me. I like this.

“You feeling alright?”  
I nod. There's no other response I can give.

“I think I need some water. And food.”

“Okay, yeah. I think Mark’s ordering pizza now, if you want some? I suppose we didn't eat anything this morning. Or, last night either.” His cheeks brighten at the last part. I can no longer tell if it's embarrassing because he liked it, or it's embarrassing because he didn't. I hope it's the former.  
You walk in front of me as we head back over to everyone. I get a glass from the cupboard and fill it with some water from the tap. It's cold, and after all the heaving, it coats my tongue in a pleasant way that makes me feel a little better. It also reduces some of my hunger. Food hunger, not the other kind.  
I know that the pizza, once ordered, won't arrive before the next part of the stream, and so I route through Mark’s fridge. He's not bothered, (we're basically brothers). I find a bag of baby carrots, and gesture to Mark.

“Go ahead.”

I take the bag with me and sit down next to Ethan. This has happened before, when the camera was on. In another livestream. I had a bag of carrots, and I offered some to Ethan. I like taking care of him, even if he doesn't need me to. It's just, nice. It's nice to know that I can look after him, just in case I do ever need to. Like before. Although, I never want it to be because of that ever again. His body was so limp.  
I offer him some, and he smiles at me, and I'm almost blinded by it. He takes a couple in his hands, (the hands that I want to hold), and looks back to his phone. Please, look back at me.  
I eat, slowly. Mark looks at me from time to time. Normally, he knows when something is wrong with me. He does now, too. Whether or not it's how I'm feeling physically, or how I'm feeling emotionally, I can't actually tell. It's probably the latter. He knows me too well. Or, just well enough.


	11. Hold me closer now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

I'm glad that we're leaving, now. The stream was so fun, don't get me wrong. I'm so proud of how much we all managed to raise together, as a community. But, the lack of eye contact we've made today is killing me. I'm glad to get to drive you home.  
We're not saying anything. The silence hurts, but the aura doesn't. Those feelings you're giving off, I have them too. God, you're driving me crazy. This tension is real, it's not just from me.

“Tyler.”  
I can't even speak. I need to focus on driving, but I can't.  
He doesn't speak again.

We arrive at his apartment door, but this time he opens it straight away. He closes the door without looking back. He doesn't say goodbye. I stand there. I feel used.  
Then, the door opens. He's looking at me. There's something in his eyes. I'm uncertain again. He steps a foot forward, towards me. Then, he continues. He stops in front of me. I can feel his breath, warm against my skin. He takes ahold of my wrist. It moves upwards; upper arm, bicep. My muscles tense, and he feels it. His hand falls back down, just below my bicep, and he starts walking backwards, taking me with him.  
I close the door behind us.

His lips are on mine again. They taste of pizza. A pineapple sticky, sweet. I relish in it.  
His hand over my bicep still. He's massaging the muscles, and I can't help but imagine his lips there instead. Tongue, teeth, all of it.  
I want to give him hickeys on his neck. I want to kiss his ear, collarbone, shoulder. I want to relish in everything.  
He's hesitant now. He pulls away. He's looking at me, with those soft eyes. I love those eyes. They can carry so much in them, it's almost overwhelming.

“I-” he stops himself; he doesn't know how to explain, but I already understand everything.

“We don't have to.” I smile. I need him to know that he's safe with me. I don't care about that stuff if it means it makes him uncomfortable. I can't exactly stop thinking about it, but I don't need it.  
He's reassured now, he trusts me. His hand runs up my bicep. God, his touch feels good. It feels so natural, so right. He likes the feeling too, I can tell. I can't help but meet his face with my hand, caressing his cheek. He's so goddamn beautiful. He presses into it. I love this feeling.

He kisses me again, but it's not as rushed as it was yesterday. It's slow, and feels somewhat steamy. Sensual. I don't think he realises how good he is at this. Stop moving your hand like that, it's driving me nuts. Don't stop.  
He's stopped again. He steps away from me. It's a slow movement; its sensual, still. I follow him. He sits down on the couch, and I sit down next to him. Close. His hands reach up, rest gently against my chest. He pushes me down; not aggressively, he's still being slow. There's an uncertainty that hangs in the air. He's nervous, I can feel it, but he's trying hard not to let it show. He gulps.

We kiss again, slower. Steadier. Hotter. There are so many things I could comment on; his lips, his breath, teeth. His hands, body pressed to mine. Skin on skin, without going too far. Only as far as he can. I love the taste of his lips.  
He takes it further still, lips pressing against my neck. No teeth yet, he's being gentle. It's the uncertainty again, slowing him down. Or maybe it's not. Maybe it's because he wants this to last longer. I know I do.  
Teeth. Oh my god, his teeth against my skin. One hand against my neck, pulling it closer. The other still on my bicep. Don't ever pull it away, please. I don't think he will.  
My hands are on his back, his body. He's so delicate, compared to me at least. There's something attractive about that, although I'm not sure what. It might be because of his gymnastics. He's in shape, muscular, flexible. Better stop with these thoughts, quickly.

He pulls away from my neck, looks back to me. He can see it, the smile in my eyes. I can see it in his too, although it's a lot more shy and nervous. He's surprising me right now. For someone so shy, he's extremely dominant. At least in this moment he is. I think it's because he's realised that he wants it. He glances at my lips again, and back to my eyes. I wonder why he’s scared to now. Maybe I'll have to meet his lips again.  
Instead, he surprises me again. He moves down a little, shifts, and his lips are on my arm. More specifically, my bicep. Why does he like it so much? Something tells me it's more than just the muscles. He’s using teeth again; I clutch at his hair. He kisses me more. I'm confused.

“Eth?” God, need to correct myself. “Ethan?”  
Oh god, no, that's worse. Don't look at me like that, I’m enjoying this. You haven't done anything wrong.

“Yeah?” You sound so scared. I'm sorry.  
What was I even going to say? What was happening?

“I-” no, don't say that again. Don't pressure him. What am I doing?  
My hand is underneath his chin, I like looking at those eyes. I press my lips to his. He kisses me back. This. This is real. I can't help but decide it right now, in this exact moment. Call me crazy.  
I am in love with Ethan Nestor, forever and always.


	12. And I'll know, somehow

I'm sorry. That's all that I have to say. I would do anything for you to look at me again, like you used to. I told you that I loved you, and for a time I knew that you did too. You didn't have to say it back. 

I don't know how that time came to an end, or why it was so short. Maybe it's because we rushed into things, or maybe it's because we were never meant to be. I can't help but feel deep down that that's not true. Just know this now, Ethan. 

“I love you.”


	13. That we can be together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a continuation of Chapter 12
> 
> Edited for easier reading xx

Mark: Hey, Tyler. Get your butt over here, dude!

Tyler opened the message, sighing. He text back slowly, weary of the body clinging on next to him. Placing his phone on the bedside table, he felt the grip on his side slowly easing off, and the warming body moving away.

“Morning, sleepyhead.” Tyler smirked, looking at how his eyes adjusted to the light. It seemed that his cheeks were glowing faintly, and wondered whether or not it was from the streaming sun, or something else.

“Did-“ Ethan stopped himself, looking down.

“No. We fell asleep.” He looked back up. “We don't have to do that, ya know? We can just be like this.”  
Ethan smiles a thank you, before nuzzling his head into his chest. Tyler’s breathing hitches.  
After a while, with a lot of hesitation, he speaks.

“Mark messaged me. He wants me to go over to his.”  
Ethan looked up, before searching for his own phone.

Mark: Get over here, slave!  
Mark: Kidding, love ya

“Me too.” He was now fully sat up, rubbing his eyes.

“Cool, I'll give you a lift.” Tyler got up out of their- Ethan’s bed, stretching. He caught Ethan’s eyes wandering over his torso, before his cheeks flushed, and he snapped his gaze away.

“T-Thanks.” Ethan dropped his phone on the bed, going over to his closet. “So, the second half of the tour is coming up soon.”

“Yeah, it is, isn't it? You excited?” Stupid question. “I mean, we've already done the first half, but...”

“I am, actually. I have a lot to do, though. Prep-wise.”

“Yeah.” Tyler’s heart dropped a little. He probably wouldn't be able to hang out with him until the tour, then.

“I-“ Ethan cut off at the sound of Tyler’s phone ringing.

“Hey, Mark. Yep, I'm coming over. I'm on my way. Okay. Bye.” Tyler sighed, putting his phone in his back pocket. “Sorry. We should probably getting going, if you're ready?”

“Yep!” Ethan nodded, approaching the bedroom door slowly. He rested his hand on the handle, but couldn't tug it down. Not because it was stuck, or anything like that, but because deep down he didn't want to. He wanted to turn around, look at Tyler, give him a glance that told it all. Push him down against the bed, laugh awkwardly as he hits his head on the board. Kiss, to the point of loss of breath. To the point where Ethan thought he would go lightheaded. Run his hand across Tyler’s muscular body; feel the arcs of his back, shoulders. Caress his scars, kiss them softly. A trail of them, a peppery hot path that stops at the hem of his-  
If only Tyler had known this. What Ethan really wanted.

“Ethan?”  
He blinked away from his fantasy, opening the door and heading out. Then, he stopped again. At the front door, before his hand even reached the handle. Tyler had stopped him, turned him around, kissed him softly. Smiled. Ethan wanted to take it further, but he had already pulled away.

“Let's go.”

And, they did.


	14. Now and forever

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

“Took your sweet time.” Mark smirked, clapping Tyler's back as he headed inside. “Get in here.” He closed the door behind Ethan, following after them both as Chica ran happily beside them.

“So, what's up?”

“We're gonna Skype call Wade and Bob, and talk about the upcoming tour. Probably make dick jokes, too.”

“No surprise there.” Amy smirked, scrolling on her laptop. Mark nudged her, giving a small smile back.  
Tyler glanced at Ethan. Watching those two together, so public and cutesy. It was enough to make him feel jealous. Nauseous was more like it. He imagined being able to hold Ethan in public; in front of his friends, family, or on a stream, without having to care about what anyone else thought.  
A pair of eyes on him pulled him away from his thoughts, and to the screen which was currently dialling the others.

“Hey, Bobbers!” Mark yelled at the screen with a grin, and Bob smiled back.

“Hey, douche.”

“Wow, okay.”  
Ethan smirked, placing his phone down and leaning into Tyler’s side to get a better view. Although he felt his breathing go raggedy, he had no idea how much his innocent actions effected him. He wanted, more than anything, to put his arm around him. Normally, he would have. Ever since they kissed, things had been different. In the past, although he had onesided feelings for Ethan, he wouldn't have been as self-conscious. Now that the feelings weren't only on his part, he couldn't bring himself to do it. A simple action, sure, but it meant more. Before it meant ‘I'm pulling you closer because I want you, but I know that it won't ever be’. Now it was ‘I'm pulling you closer because I love holding you close to my heart, and I know that you love it too’.

“Tyler, are you paying attention to me?” Mark jokingly made out to be his boss, his tone of voice almost similar to that of Wilferd Warfstache.

“Yup.” He sighed. He must have grabbed ahold of his phone as a distraction during his trail of thoughts, as his thumb was scrolling through Twitter. He placed it down on the table, rubbing a hand over his face. “Just a little tired.” He lied. Mark shrugged it off.  
It wasn't long until Tyler found himself in his car with Ethan, again. He realised how long the silence was when Ethan breathed out loudly; he'd call it a sigh, but he didn't seem like the type to be frustrated. Wording. Tyler needed to work on that.

“Do you want to go get some food, or?”  
Ethan glanced over almost immediately, smiling.

“Yeah, sure.”  
Soon, after Tyler had questioned him on what he felt like having, Ethan simply pointed to a Starbucks.

“What do you want?” He asked as they stood in line, but Ethan shook his head.

“I'm gonna pay separately. I already owe you too much as it is.”

“You don't owe me a penny.” Smiling reassuringly, he turned his gaze back to the front of the queue, and realised that it was his turn to order. He stood by the side of the till as Ethan ordered. Was it weird to watch him?  
Anyway, he did. He looked at the way his lips moved when he spoke. The lips that he had kissed before and wanted to kiss again, right now, in front of everyone. He looked at his mannerisms; the way he held his body, his hands, arms, legs, feet. His fingers sometimes found the set of bracelets on his wrist, twisting them around, fidgeting. Mental note: buy him a bracelet someday. They suit him.

“You wanna grab a seat?”  
Tyler snapped back again, nodding with a small smile. “Sure.”  
God, he felt creepy. Just looking at him, watching him. Thinking thoughts that he knew damn well that Ethan wasn't ready for. No, not just those thoughts, but thoughts of a relationship. A real one, with anniversary gifts, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, all of it. He wanted it all with him. And yes, he wanted that too. Especially on said special days. He wanted Ethan to feel as good as possible. As happy as possible. He never wanted to see him so broken again for as long as he lived. It hurt him too much.

“Here you are.” The waitress brought over their food, (Tyler had already carried their drinks over), giving them both a pleasant smile. “Enjoy.”

“Thank you.” Ethan beamed, tucking into his food almost straight away. Tyler smiled, taking a sip of his drink, and making sure this time to look away from him. Ethan didn't.  
He wiped his mouth, (realising how rushed he'd been with his food), and placed the remainder back down. His eyes were on Tyler as he sipped his drink; he watched his eyes, his lips. His hands. They were strong, rough, coarse, but whenever he held him they were the softest thing he'd ever felt. Almost to the point of him barely touching him. As if he was scared of breaking him.  
Tyler locked their gaze together, and tried his best not to smile at a shy, flushed face that hid behind his coffee cup.

“You okay?” Tyler was testing him. He'd gotten impatient, and he wasn't afraid, in this moment, to push him. Just that little but further. Just enough to know where Ethan really stood with whatever this new thing was between them.  
Ethan nodded, and Tyler understood everything. He wanted this, and he was just nervous. Not surprising at all; he'd most likely never been into a guy before, and this had all happened quite quickly. But, he wasn't afraid, either. He knew that Tyler would take things slow for him, (as slow as was necessary), and that he was safe. He liked the feeling of having him close, of being held. He liked being loved.

“Okay.” He couldn't help but smile to himself. Ethan liked him back, this he now knew for certain. From this moment, he also knew something else; them being together was possible, and, from everything that had already happened between them, it was certain to be soon. Sooner than both of them thought, yet still not soon enough.


	15. ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

“Tyler.” He swivelled around, facing the owner of the voice who was stood sheepishly by his apartment door. “We may not see much of each other until the tour.”  
By ‘may not’ he meant ‘won’t’. Tyler nodded his response.

“I know.” His eyes were unsteady, watching for a sign, a movement. Something that told him not to leave. Not yet, at least. Ethan’s feet were restless, and his fingers were fiddling with a large bracelet. He approached slowly, stopping just in time to prevent him bumping into Tyler’s torso. His breathing was slightly heavy, and he felt his own chest heaving up and down, slowly. Although he could hardly breathe, he knew that what he wanted more than anything was for the handsome man in front of him to take away what little remained.

Tyler felt his uncertainty, the warm breath attacking his clothes, (which he currently wished were off, if he was completely honest with himself). He wasn't looking at him, but instead down, at his feet which were trying their best to hold him up. His hand reached out before he realised what he was doing, going underneath his chin to pull his eyes up. Had he ever mentioned how beautiful they were? Sometimes they changed colour, depending on what the lighting was, but most of the time they were a gorgeous, lustful hazel, that could soak up more love and happiness than thought humanly possible. More importantly, they had a way of sharing that happiness with others. Through those eyes Tyler felt his love, excitement, everything was so vibrant. Maybe that's why it hurt so much to see them full of sadness. He would never forget that melancholy gaze, and the way they welled up with tears. The sharp twang he felt in his chest.

Right now, however, they were full of something that Tyler had never seen before. How was he capable of surprising him so easily? There was a flame behind his eyes that flickered, shading the sweet hazel glow with a soft amber. He blinked, and the flame dimmed down to a spark. What was that look? Leaning up, he pressed a slow kiss to his lips, breathing him in, and Tyler’s hand instantly moved to his cheek, caressing his skin.  
I don't deserve this. You're so beautiful. I want to tell you everything, give you everything. You deserve the world. Please. Tell me that you love me.

Ethan pulled away, burying his head underneath Tyler’s pecs. His heartbeat was comforting, and steadied his nerves. This was so surreal, the feelings he had.  
Tyler wrapped his arms around him, hugged him closer. Rested his chin on his head. Pressed a kiss to his hair.

“Ty?” He mumbled, his hands clutching the fabric of his shirt.

“Yeah?”

“What are we, now?” He gripped on tighter. The answer he wanted was one he knew that he was going to get, but still he was scared that he wouldn't. Truthfully, he was more terrified of getting the answer he wanted. Of what the answer could mean. The possibilities.

“What do you want us to be?”  
There was a long pause, and with every passing second Tyler felt his own legs struggling beneath him. A shift from the body between his arms strengthened them again. His hands ran sheepishly over his muscles, and he had pulled away enough to lock glances. Ethan didn't even need to say anything, not really. His hazel twinkle was enough. He bit his lip, hesitant to answer. After a quick breath out, he spoke.

“Together.”

“Then, that's what we are.”


	16. Now our next chapter begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

They didn't see each other again until the first day of tour.   
Tyler, with Amy, Mark and Kathryn also, drove to Ethan’s apartment. Mark got out and headed upstairs, and Tyler got out to open the boot of the car. He felt his heart race as Ethan walked over, case in hand and a smile on his face.

“Hey!”  
If he wasn't being watched, he'd kiss him. Kiss that smile, relish in it. Kiss him until neither of them could breathe, both pulling away and panting. But the others were there, so he simply smiled back and nodded.

“Hey.” Gesturing, he took the case off of him and placed it neatly into the boot, closing it slowly.  
Much to his liking, Mark hadn't got back into the car yet.

“I call shotgun!” Ethan beamed, racing into the front seat, much to Mark's dismay.

“God damnit.” Mark chuckled, getting into the back. Tyler, however, was a very happy customer. Up until Ethan had the idea of plugging in his phone and playing crappy Disney songs, that is. But hey, he was having fun, and Tyler loved nothing more than seeing him like this. 

Most of the travel blinked away like a passing second to Tyler. Before he knew it, they were on the tour bus, travelling to their first stop; St. Louis. As excited as everyone was for the second half of the tour, they were more excited for the upcoming one in February. All across Europe; The UK, Germany, Paris. Mostly Paris. The Eiffel Tower. Maybe he could sneak away in the night, take Ethan with him. Watch his eyes sparkle with delight at the sight of it all. Kiss him slowly, hold him tightly. Spoil him, because God knows he deserves everything.  
These were the thoughts that crossed his mind as he lay in his small bunk, eyes closed and arms crossed. It wasn't night time or anything. Ethan, Wade, and Mark were all at the front, messing around with each other. Wade was most likely vlogging it all, and Tyler gathered, from what he could hear, that Ethan had done something silly, as Mark laughed vibrantly. Some of the girls were in there too; he knew that Kathryn was there, as she had been editing something on her laptop, and Amy was probably with Mark. Bob was in his room, too, though. So he wasn't alone. 

Tyler opened his eyes, sighing. He couldn't stay cooped up forever. I mean, he could, but it wasn't exactly the healthiest thing in the world. Plus, Ethan was out there, probably being all adorable. He decided it would be a good idea to go and join them for a while.  
When he stepped through, Ethan’s eyes immediately wandered over him. Tyler felt a twang in his chest, noticing that Ethan had tear-stained cheeks. He put on a voice to make him seem less sincere, and more jokey, aiming his question at Wade and Mark. He took note at the fact that Wade’s camera was off and on the table.

“Okay, who made the baby boy cry?”

“Wade did it.” Mark chuckled, as he munched on a cheese string.

“Wade?” He cocked an eyebrow at an attempt to hide his dissatisfaction.

“I didn't! He made himself fake cry!” Wade laughed out, rolling his eyes at Mark. Kathryn giggled to herself.  
Tyler glanced over at Ethan, who had a sly, yet sheepish smile on his lips. Tyler smirked, ruffling the smaller boy’s hair.

“Yeah, okay. You really need to stop doing that, mister. You did it on the first half of the tour.”

“Yeah, but it's funny.” He giggled, and Tyler took the open space next to Wade, getting his phone out.  
Even though he'd only just sat down, he already felt like leaving. Going back into his bunk, closing his eyes. Ethan was sat right in front of him, and he couldn't kiss him. I mean, he could, but he didn't know if he'd be okay with it. In public, that is, and he never wanted him to feel uncomfortable.  
His hair, which had just a moment ago been ruffled, was messy and cute, but Tyler knew it was only a second away from being neatened out. It was Ethan’s habit, running his hand through his hair. He was either constantly trying to neaten it out, or it was simply just a habit that he couldn't overcome. Anyways, it was sweet.  
He was always doing something with his hands; running through his hair, scrolling through his phone, playing with his bracelets. Always so energetic, never giving himself any time to just relax, and do nothing. Always on his next thing. 

Stop thinking about his hands, Tyler. Stop. Don't think of them on you, that's worse. On your muscles, torso, arms. On the arcs of your back, gliding across the spine and shoulder blades. Caressing your scars. Sheepishly moving downwards, slowly, teasingly. Or on himself - Jesus, no! At night, or morning, touching his-  
Tyler stood abruptly, heading to the bathroom. Closing the door behind him, he cursed silently at how tight his pants had become. Quickly, he got a handful of cold water from the tap, splashing his face over. Once, twice, stop. He felt himself relax, and he sighed. He can't just do this all of the time! How was he supposed to go back out there now? Sit down across from him, and pretend that just the near thought of him pleasuring himself didn't give him a sudden hard-on! Jesus Christ, something was wrong with him. 

Stepping out of the bathroom, he was met with a small body. Specifically Ethan's body. His hand was outstretched, as though he was about to knock. Maybe he was worried again, like before. Tyler did leave all of a sudden, after all.

“Are you okay?” He asked, letting his arm fall down and rest casually against his side. Tyler nodded.

“I'm fine.” Although he said this with a smile that Ethan could clearly tell was put on. For ‘show’.

“Tyler.” Ethan hushed, clearly skeptical. Tyler but on a serious expression.

“I am, I swear to you.” Ethan nodded, and they both soon regrouped with the others.  
It's nice, to see you care about me so much. People would probably look at us both and assume that I'm the only protective one, and I suppose for the most part they'd be right. But, you worry too. Even though you don't need to. You never need worry about me, because as far as I'm concerned, your wellbeing is all that matters.


	17. And my heart sings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited for easier reading xx

Three days of tour had gone by. Three days where they spent time together, doing silly little improv scenes. On the tour bus, late at night, telling jokes to the point where there words began to slur and they had to call it a night. In the mornings, waking up, making jokes, again. To be honest, when were they not making jokes or being silly?  
Three days where some of the scenes weren't between Tyler and Ethan, but instead between Ethan and someone else, mostly Mark or Wade, and even though the other two were both in happy relationships, it didn't make Tyler any less jealous. Three days of passing him in the tight corridor of the bus, hips touching, or fronts even. A wandering gaze that only lasted a split second, but still managed to suggest a lot. Three days where they were unable to kiss. 

Ethan tossed over in his bunk of the tour bus, sighing. He couldn't sleep tonight, the roads were that bumpy. Scowling, he kicked the sheets off of his legs, hopping out of his bunk and heading to the bathroom. After using the toilet, he washed his hands and got a glass of water, sipping it slowly. He felt like gathering some in his hands, refreshing his face in it, but he was tired, and couldn't really be bothered.  
Exiting the bathroom, he stepped as quietly as he could back to his bed. Obviously not quiet enough. 

“Ethan?” A deep voice sounded, and soon the curtain next to him opened up to reveal the owner. Tyler.

“Hey.” Ethan whispered. “Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.”

“You didn't. I woke up a minute ago.”  
They smiled at each other, although Ethan’s was quite bashful, and he twirled on his feet, not sure when to go back to his bed. Tyler tore away, but still kept his smile.

“Are you okay? You look drained.”

“I am. I just, I can't sleep.”  
Tyler nodded, and a thought crossed his mind. He just didn't know how to suggest it.

“Well, you could-“ He glanced at Ethan, feeling a lump in his throat. “If you want to, I mean-“

“Ty?”  
Glancing at his look of confusion, he figured he might as well spit it out.

“I'm trying to ask if you'd like to sleep up here.” He smirked, shaking his head slightly. “I don't know why that was so difficult.”  
Ethan chuckled quietly, nodding.

“Sure.” He clambered up top, and he instantly clutched onto Tyler’s side. Tyler moved closer to the side so that there was less a chance of him falling out. There’s a reason why only one person sleeps in these things. Ethan found that he was practically laying on half of his body, but wasn't going to complain.

“You comfy?”  
Ethan nodded, his arms wrapping around Tyler’s torso properly as he nestled his head down, resting it just below his chest. Just how he liked it. Just how they both liked it.

“Ethan?”

“Yeah?”  
There are so many things I could tell you right now. So many, but there's not enough time, and you need to rest. I like it when you're all energetic and excited to start a new day, so I'll wait for another time to come by when I can tell you everything. But for now.

“Good night.”  
He felt Ethan smile, (if that is at all possible), and he breathed out a sleepy sigh.

“Night.”  
Later. Later, I will tell you everything.


	18. Because, being with you?

Tyler smiled as the body clinging to him shifted, yawning softly against the fabric of his shirt. Damnit, if it wasn't so cold, he wouldn't have wore one. That would’ve been better. Ethan’s hand ran across his chest, and Tyler watched how his head and gaze slowly lifted to face his own. 

“Good morning.”   
“Morning.”   
Tyler laughed at the hazy, confused expression that lay on his features, and couldn't stop his hand from moving to his cheek, thumb running over skin gently. 

Oh. Okay. I wasn't expecting that. 

Ethan pulled away shyly, and Tyler moved his thumb down to run over his lower lip instead. He glanced up unsteadily, but was greeted with a beaming smile and pink cheeks, and so couldn't stop himself from smiling back.   
As shocking a response to Tyler, Ethan’s lips were pressed to his a second later, kissing gently. Slowly. He must like it that way.   
It was in this moment that Tyler realised just how timid Ethan was about this, whatever he was supposed to call it, between them. 

New relationship. 

His hands, all though gripping his shirt with quite a bit of force, were shaking lightly. Tyler found that they also moved from time to time; sometimes they'd be closer to the collar, or sometimes they'd be lower down, near his abs. Mostly on the collar. So, maybe, he wasn't kissing slowly just because he liked it that way. Maybe it was because he was just too nervous to do anything differently than they had already done.  
Tyler also realised in this moment that they'd never properly used tongues before. Time to change that fact.

He bit Ethan’s lower lip gently, feeling them immediately part, warm breath caressing his own. Deepening the kiss was like getting lost; it was a dizzying, numbing sensation, and at times it scared him. But, that was only at the thought of stopping.   
There was also the fact that Ethan was becoming increasingly less shy. Confident. In fact, he was teasing. A slight tug at his lip, hands wandering slowly. It was almost as though he realised how good he actually was, and was now using that. 

Ethan's breathing hitched suddenly when he felt strong hands snake up his shirt, holding his body closer. Warm, gentle. Caressing. Skin on skin. Further. Take things further. 

If we had heard his voice, maybe this wouldn't have happened.   
If we had seen the curtain open, maybe things would have been different.   
If Mark hadn't have caught us, maybe you'd still be with me. 

I guess it's just not meant to be.


	19. My heart beats, times two

For the second time in my life, I saw fear in your eyes. Again, it was a fear of what people would think about you, just this time it wasn't me. It was Mark. 

We broke away. I willed myself to look at Mark, but your gaze was all I could see. He closed the curtain again, but you didn't stop staring at it.

That look. God, I'll never forget that look in your eyes. Your beautiful, hazel eyes. Gorgeous. Pained. Stained. 

"Eth?" It was hard to get that out. That one word. Though, I suppose, your name is more than a word. It's a poem.  
You turned to me in that moment, and I'll never forget it. Hair a mess, cheeks flush; my hands were on you still, and your shirt was almost off. But the fear in your eyes. It didn't break away. You were in a trance, almost. 

"Ethan?" Please.   
I put my hand on your neck, I was trying to pull you away from it, and back to me. I needed you back. And, you did come back. But, it was only to pull away again.

"I can't-" A soft, unsteady whisper. You're scared.   
I'm scared too, you know? This is new for me, too. 

"No, don't say that-" 

"I'm not gay, Tyler!" You pushed off of me, hitting your head on the ceiling. I wanted to comfort you, but I knew that you wouldn't want it. That you wouldn't want me. You spoke through clenched teeth.   
"I'm not. I don't." Trying to find the best way down, (the way without touching me), seemed difficult. It was difficult to watch, at least. Hands slipping. Pushed yourself down, closed the curtain on me without a single look back. 

I'm not sure what you did after that, but I know that you hadn't confronted Mark about it, or anything like that, (because of how everyone acted afterwards).   
You might have gone back to your own bunk, or maybe the bathroom, or something. Hung out with Kathryn or Wade and pretended that what happened didn't happen. Not just that kiss, but everything else before. Of course, you'd already denied that with your words, so it wouldn't have been as tough a blow if you'd rejected it all a second time.   
Maybe you cried, maybe you didn't. At least I know now that you never wanted to do that; to react the way you did. 

I know what I did though.   
I lay back in my bunk, wondering what I did wrong.


	20. And without you, I don't know what I'd do

We didn't spend a lot of time together after that; only as much as we had to. You mostly stuck with Bob and Wade, and I stuck to Amy and Mark. It felt a little strange, being all friendly with the person who split us apart, but he didn't exactly mean to. 

He pulled me aside at some point that day; so that it was just me and him. Turns out he had already called my name. I must have just been too caught up in the moment with you to hear it. He was just waking everybody up because we were arriving to our stop. I told him it was okay, that I was okay, but of course that was a lie. Then he asked the question I was hoping to avoid. 

"Ty, um-"  
"Yes. We were kissing."  
"Okay. Are you two-"  
"Together? I don't know." Not anymore.  
"But, its happened before?"  
"Yes." Multiple times.  
"And you, you're-"  
"Yes, I'm gay, Mark."  
"No, I kn- well, I mean. Are you in love with him?" 

I know that I'd said it to you before, but I'd never admitted it aloud to anyone else. Never. And, how I had felt when you had denied it, only confirmed my feelings. I do love you. 

"Yes." Deep breath. "I am."  
Mark sighed solemnly. He understood. Everything. He confirmed my fear in that moment. You couldn't admit it even when we were alone, so was it even true? Was it possible, for someone like you to love someone like me? Someone so beautiful? 

"I'm sorry. For fucking it."  
"It's fine. It's you, after all." 

Laughing with Mark made things feel a little better, though. A lot better, actually. Amy made things better, too. You know, I've seen a lot of fans call Amy the 'mom' of Teamiplier, and truthfully, they're not wrong. She saw that I felt down, and both comforted me, gave me a pep talk, and encouraged me to sort out whatever it was that was bothering me. But, I just couldn't do it. 

The last few weeks of tour were spent sharing sideways glances, and avoiding each other. I say each other, but it was mostly you staying away from me. I felt it best to just stay away from you; supposed you needed some time on your own to think things out for yourself.  
That's okay, I guess. Because, as corny as it sounds, I'd wait forever for you.  
Forever, and a day.


	21. And although we're both ready

I remember standing outside your apartment door, just a few weeks before the European tour, and just a few minutes before this moment. We hadn't spoken since that morning. That beautiful, dreaded morning, and during the time in between, I realised why people say that someone is their everything. 

I found myself thinking about you more often than I'd like to admit, and more frequently than ever before. I went outside for a run one morning, and it all hit me; the shades of the trees that I passed were similar to your hazel glow. Almost as beautiful, as emotional, but not quite. But, the blue ribbons in the sky were also like your eyes, because they changed colour so often. I found myself thinking of them as a beauty of nature, and I wasn't wrong, was I? Your whole person is a reassurance of good in the world. 

I passed a lady walking her dog, and thought of Chica, and the mere thought of her flooded me with so many memories, you wouldn't believe it. It made me think back to the first time we met; I came around one day, when you had just become Mark's editor. You seemed to be very shy around me, almost intimidated, but as soon as I interacted with Chica, showed her some love and affection, you smiled at me for the first time. And, it almost seems silly to say this, but I knew that I wanted to see that smile forever. 

It also made me think back to when Mark was doing a livestream; it was you, me, Amy, Mark, Chica, and Kathryn. You and me were in the front of the car, and you were picking Disney songs on your phone. You were so adorable, (your singing, I mean), and I don't know how I ever resisted just kissing you then and there. We went down to the beach at one point. You really love the beach; it's precious how giddy you get about it. We were all chasing Chica around, watching how she reacted to the water, that sort of thing. But, all I could focus on was how your hair was blowing in the wind, and how annoying it was that the camera covered up your face.  
God, I really could write a novel about you. 

You're inspiring to me, clearly, and I see you in everything that I do. That morning run was supposed to be a distraction, but it only made my heart ache more, and my longing to see you grow. Everyday for a week straight I ran by your apartment, wanting more than anything to go in, but I just couldn't. I told myself it was because I needed to give you time, but I know now that you'd had enough of it. The truth was that I was afraid. I didn't want to be hurt again. Not by you, because I care about you too much. But now, I'm here. 

I'm standing in front of you. You're looking at me, and I hate what your eyes are filled with. Nothing. They're completely blank. Just like when I found you that day; body limp, eyes hollow, tears streaming down like an effortless waterfall that I feared could never be stopped. Thank god they did. Otherwise, I don't think I could ever have left you, and I suppose that's not exactly healthy, is it? 

"Can I come in?" Please. I just want to talk. Let me back into your life. I don't mind what role you want me to play in it, I just want to be a part of it. 

"Okay." 

Sitting down felt like how it did after the first time I kissed you. It was hard to breathe, and even harder to think straight. How did people do this? 

I've read similar scenarios before in novels, written them before even, but now that I'm stuck in one, I don't know how to act. I know that I need- no, I don't need to apologise for how I feel. I just need to clear things out, clarify. I need to understand where your head is at. Okay. Here goes nothing.

"Ethan, I-"  
"I don't think this was a good idea. You coming here."  
"What? You let me in-"  
"I know that. I just, I have a lot of work to do, preparation for the tour, and I just can't be doing this right now."  
"Well, when can you, Ethan?!" Oh, God. "I've given you time and space, so I don't understand why you won't just give me a minute or two?" 

Just quit while you're ahead, Schied. Please.

"I'm not ready to-"  
"It's, selfish."

Something snapped just now, didn't it? I broke something, or struck a nerve. Please. Let me take it back, please. Let me have you back. 

"I'd like you to leave."  
"Okay."

I'm sorry.


	22. We can still take things steady

The next time they saw each other was the first day of the European tour.

Everyone met at the airport; Tyler, Mark, Amy, Kathryn, and Ethan. Mark and Amy were the first two there, which was good, because it meant that Tyler felt less alone upon seeing them. It also meant that when Kathryn later arrived with Ethan, he was able to turn to Mark who gave him reassurance. 

He didn't want this tour to be anything at all like the end of the last tour. Although he had known that people were there for him, he still felt partly isolated. It was childish, almost; when speaking with Bob and Wade, he felt sheepish, as though Ethan had 'turned them against him', or something the teenage him would have believed. He felt as though everyone knew of what had happened, (even though only him, Ethan and Mark knew), and that everyone would be on Ethan's side. Saying things like 'you pressured him', or 'you shouldn't force yourself on someone, that's practically rape'. 

Because, lets face it, Tyler was very self-conscious in his looks already. Sure, it was getting better as he matured in life and realised that it was the least of his worries and problems, but that didn't stop the nagging thoughts at the back of his mind. So, to put it short, he believed that his face was creepy enough to believe it to be the face of a murderer, or a rapist even, and hell, even Mark joked about it. Sure, they're just jokes, but that doesn't mean that they stick in your memory any less. 

Tyler followed behind Mark as they boarded the plane later that day, but he could still see Ethan ahead of him. 

He had talked to Mark before today, and he had suggested that Tyler sit with Ethan on the flight, to try to break past the awkwardness, but it didn't really seem like the best idea. Still, when push came to shove, (quite literally), Mark pushed Tyler into the seat next to Ethan, sitting down in front of them both next to Amy and Kathryn, a sly smile on his face.

Fuck sake, Mark.  
I don't know how I'm supposed to even say 'hello' to him anymore, let alone sit next to him for hours.  
Christ. 

Tyler set his bag down in front of him, putting his seat belt on. He felt the nerves settling in already, and at putting his belt on, some of it was oddly lifted. Taking a deep breath and a small gulp, he went to go and say something, anything he could muster, but he was interrupted by Kathryn. She had turned around to ask Ethan if he was okay, which he just nodded in response to. 

Had he told her? Or, was it about something else?

It was only then that Tyler realised that Ethan's body had been softly shaking ever since he sat down in his seat. Was he scared of flying? Maybe he was, a little, but he didn't seem that bothered by it. If he'd let him, he'd try to comfort him. 

When they were mid-flight, Tyler retrieved his new book from his bag, using it as a distraction from the more than obvious tension that hung in the air. From time to time his eyes flicked over and caught a glimpse of whatever Ethan was doing next to him, and he allowed his look to hover for a moment before tugging away. The last time he did this, however, his gaze stayed for a moment more. 

Ethan's eyes were slowly drooping closed, and Tyler felt a tug at his heart strings. Poor thing. He must have been working and preparing for the tour so much that he barely got enough sleep last night. At a slow turn towards him, Tyler looked away.  
He'd read the same paragraph five times, now. He continued to read on. 

The next time he got distracted was when his shoulders stiffened in response to a small body that fell against his own. Ethan's breathing was slow and steady, but now and again it became more erratic, and Tyler believed for a second that it was possible that he was feeling sick. That maybe he didn't take care of himself properly during the few weeks of heavy tour preparation. 

He felt a knot of guilt in his stomach. Him feeling sick would explain why Kathryn asked him if he was okay, as well as why he was shaking slightly. Tyler placed his hand against his forehead, then to Ethan's; there was definitely a difference in temperature. He dropped his arm back down, sighing softly. He felt like an idiot. He'd been so busy with his own conflicted feelings, that he didn't notice how badly Ethan was feeling. He just assumed that the tension between them was because of previous events, but in reality it was because Ethan was finding it difficult to be as upbeat as usual. But then, he'd probably put on a happy face at the tour, or infront of fans. Make sure that everyone else has a good time over himself. He was just that type of person.

I suppose that's one of the many reasons why I love you. I wonder if you'll ever love me too.


	23. Know that I will wait

"Ugh." Ethan moaned as he slowly lifted his head up from its soft, yet secure resting place. 

I feel so groggy. 

He blinked his eyes slowly, allowing them to adjust as he tilted his head to see... Tyler. 

"S-sorry." He stumbled with getting the word out, (as simple a word as it was), rushing to clarify that his action was not a sign of his want to get back together. But, he did want. 

"It's okay." Tyler was also quick to reassure. They both could not deny their want to be themselves again. 

...

"Could we talk?" 

Ethan snapped his head round at hearing this, shocked. Both from offence, and also from hope.  
Offence, because: the last time they 'talked' it wasn't exactly talking. Ethan was quiet, and Tyler was shouting.   
Hope, because: he wanted to talk to him. More than anything. He missed him. 

He was about to respond when the stewardess came by with drinks and snacks. 

God damnit.

"A water, please." Tyler ordered, and when he received it, he offered it to Ethan. 

"What?" 

"You don't feel too good, do you? Drink." 

What are you, Schied? A fucking caveman? You know you can use the word 'drink' in a sentence! 

"Thank you." He accepted the drink, and Tyler wasn't sure if the red in his cheeks was from sickness, embarrassment, or shyness. Either way, he didn't want to like the way it lit up his features.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, but the next will be longer! Plus, you'll find out what Tyler did after leaving Ethan's apartment in Chapter 21...


	24. And, although I don't believe in fate

*Flashback* 

Leaving Ethan's apartment hurt. A lot. Especially because they hadn't actually discussed anything. Tyler had mostly yelled at him, and Ethan had told him to leave, with an emptiness in his intonation, and eyes. 

You know what else hurt? Leaving the club that night with a raging headache and bruised neck. But, we'll get to that. 

Tyler stood for a few minutes, looking at the door which had been shut on him, before slowing heading home. He passed a shop on his way, and stopped in, hesitantly buying a box of beer. 

Fuck it. If he was gonna pity himself, he was gonna get alcohol involved too. 

Lying at home and drinking beer was boring, though. There was only so much TV he could binge watch before it got tedious. 

As Tyler soon learnt, though, boredom can lead to doing something regretful; he soon found himself entering a nightclub, titled 'Suave Noire'. 

"Beer, please." He kept his eyes on his hands as he got his phone out, and swiped through his photos. 

Him and Mark. Him, Mark, and Ethan. Him and Ethan. Again. And again. Chica. 

"Here you go, handsome." He looked up, just as the barman winked at him. Maybe if he wasn't so drunk already, his cheeks wouldn't have been such a bright shade of red. 

"Thanks." Taking a large swig, his eyes returned back to his phone. 

Ethan.

"Tough breakup, or something, sweetheart?" 

Oh? This guy was still talking to him?

"Um, not quite. It's complicated." 

"It's all complicated, nowadays." His laugh was soft. "If you want it to not be so complicated, I get off at eleven?" 

Tyler choked on his beer, shaking his head. "Sorry, but I, I'm not into that right now." 

"That's fine. You still love whoever broke your heart?" 

"Don't think I've ever stopped." 

The barman nodded, peering over at his phone. "That him? He's kinda cute. Ya know, in the innocent sort of way?" 

"I guess so, yeah." 

"Hold on." The barman served another customer, before coming back over. "Look, I wasn't kidding about me finishing at eleven. If you just wanted someone to talk to, I can be that someone?" 

I know, it probably wasn't the best response, but still, it was Tyler's mistake. 

"Sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 of this flashback tomorrow! XP (uh-oh, what did Tyler do?)


	25. I know that this is destiny

Watching the male opposite him with intoxicated mind and clouded vision meant that Tyler was incapable of seeing the hidden spark of interest that had lead to this moment. 

"So, tell me," a clink of glass on glass as the man, which Tyler had soon learnt to be Michael, placed his empty scotch on the table, "Do you believe in fate?" 

"No, no." 

"Oh? I wonder how you ended up in my bar tonight then, hm?" He shifted his weight, crossing his legs over. He was surprisingly smooth in this situation, and considering his figure, seemed to be very flexible. Why was Tyler thinking about these things? Because he was drunk. If Ethan was there and he was sober, maybe he wouldn't have been thinking about flexible bodies. Or, maybe just if he was sober. 

"Self-pity? I had an argument earlier-" 

"With the cute boy on your phone?" Michael reached into his pocket, grabbing a box of smokes, and pulling one out. He gestured to Tyler. "Want one?" 

"No, thanks. I don't smoke."

He nodded, putting the box away, and lighting his own cigarette. He took a long drag, letting the puff of air, (further clouding Tyler's judgement), before speaking again. "Yeah, guess I'd be pissed too. He looked like he knows what to do-" 

"No, we never... I'm not pissed at him. It was me who did all the shouting."

"Well, I didn't suggest otherwise. Just that I'd be pissed if the person I liked didn't reciprocate it, is all." 

"What?" 

"Oh, I didn't mean to offend, I just! He looked kinda straight, ya know?" 

Maybe he did look it. Maybe everyone thought he was.  
Maybe Ethan didn't like him back, and maybe everyone knew that.  
But, what everyone didn't know was the way he kissed him, touched him, pushed against him as though he were begging for more.  
Maybe he was just being toyed with. But then, why would it all have felt so right? 

"Tyler? Oh, good! Thought I'd lost ya then!" Michael laughed, his smile turning slightly sly at the sides as he burned out his cig.  
"Look, maybe he doesn't see what he's got. But, I do. And, there's probably something you should know about me..." 

Movement. A body on his; crotch to crotch, straddling in a leather chair of a secluded room. Tacky, but there you go.  
Tyler could taste the smoke.

"I usually take what I like." 

Teeth on neck, biting harder, harshly. He could already feel the bruise deepening in shades of purple, green and blue. For a moment, Tyler didn't want it to stop. In fact, he wanted it. Liked the feeling, and the closeness. Ran his hand through Michael's hair, tugged on it, urging him on. Lifted his pelvis up, wanting more contact. But then, that was only for a minute. 

The short lived pleasure came to an end as he realised something. Well, a lot of something's:  
1) Michael's hair was quite rough; Ethan's was softer.  
2) Michael's kisses were rough, sharp-tongued; Ethan's were softer, more desirable.  
3) Michael's body was much too muscular; Ethan's, all though well-defined, was much more flexible. And,  
4) Why the fuck was he doing this with a random acquaintance, when he could be being straddled by Ethan, (who would no doubt be wearing a shy smile and flushed red cheeks)? 

He removed his hand from the head of hair it lay tangled in, moving it back to him in order, to push Michael away. Not a lot, but just enough for him to understand.  
He stood up, running a hand down his face. A smaller, very different smile fell into place, and he laughed quietly to himself. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to- I just..." Michael shook his head, before beaming with confidence again. "Nevermind. I'm not in the mood for it, anyways." Tyler went to apologise, but was interrupted. "Don't, its fine. You'll just have to be my drinking partner." 

Tyler nodded back, smiling sincerely. But, something didn't settle right as they said their awkward goodbyes minutes later. For a minute, he had seen something in Michael's eyes. Something very similar to the weakness in Ethan's from long ago. 

If only I had known, Michael. I'm sorry. Truly. 

*Flashback over


	26. ...

We arrived at our first destination of tour; the Netherlands. 

Although you were sick, your excitement surpassed every negative emotion you were feeling. The idea of being in a new country thrilled you. I saw it all in your eyes. Felt it through your aura. It was like a jolt of electricity, that dulled down at the thought of having to do even more travel to get to the hotel. And, when we arrived, Mark sprung something on us that we were not ready for. I noticed that it made you uncomfortable. But, what could I do? 

"Okay, so!" Mark clapped his hands together, beaming to everyone. "Mandy, Bob, your room is this one." He handed a key to each pair as he said this, all with a number attached on its' key rings. "Wade, and Molly. Me, and Amy. Tyler, and Ethan..." 

Tyler's concentration on what Mark was saying disappeared at this, his focus resting only on the key he now had in his hands. Number... this had to be some sort of a joke, right? A set up?

"Okay! Everyone cool?" Mark continued before Ethan could protest. "Cool! We'll meet up in ten minutes to get some food and explore." 

As everyone else headed off, Ethan and Tyler stood in silence. Neither of them really knew how to react. They may have known how they wanted to react, but that probably wasn't appropriate for the moment. Still, they only had ten minutes to get settled and freshen up, so they had to move at some point. 

Without saying a word, Tyler grabbed ahold of his suitcase and started walking off in the right direction, and Ethan followed a few steps after. He was mentally cursing as he approached the door, and hoped to god that Ethan didn't read the number. 

Please. Ignore it. 

There it was. Number 69. 

Without looking behind him, (so as to not make awkward eye contact with Ethan), he unlocked the door quickly, pushing through. Looking in, he saw the usual; bathroom, wardrobe, desk, TV, and, fuck sake. Double bed. Mentally, he slapped himself. Realistically, he closed his eyes tight for a second, bracing himself. For now, (thank god), they wouldn't have to worry about it. Not until later.

But still, the tension could be felt and seen by anyone in the same room, nay, in the same building as them both. And still, part of them both didn't mind it. Tyler definitely wanted to share a room with Ethan, and, although it was difficult to tell, so did Ethan. In fact, he hated this 'not talking' thing. 

When Ethan had first moved to LA, Tyler had basically become his best friend. Well, Tyler and Kathryn. Although, at first, he was a little intimidated by him, as soon as he interacted with Chica, Ethan knew how gentle he could really be. They slowly began to talk to each other, and yeah, maybe it already did feel a little more than a friendship. But, at the time, it was just that. 

They were just friends. But now, neither of them knew what they were. Not really.


	27. Okay, I'm stopping with this poem now

Walking with everyone around a new country was boring if Ethan wasn't talking to him. That was one thing that Tyler discovered that day. The other? Mark wasn't the only one who knew what had gone down. 

As everyone else took in the new sights that they passed, Tyler's sight was mostly focused on the back of Ethan. Funny. Sounded like he was being shunned. Maybe he was.

"Hey, so, do you think you've got a shot?" Mark whispered as he followed a little behind and to the side of Tyler. 

"What? A shot for what?" 

"Well, I didn't plan it or anything, but I knew about the room sharing beforehand. Thought that it might, I don't know, lead to things-" 

"Really, Mark?" 

"No, I mean like, you talking it out. But, that's a good option too, I guess." He smirked as Tyler replied with a light rap on the head. "Okay, sorry. Too personal." 

...

I shook my head. Sure, Mark could be a looney tune, but this was a little odd. For a moment, I sincerely believed that he - what's that word - shipped us? Maybe he just wants what he thinks is best for us. And, I suppose, that makes me happy. But, maybe giving me room number 69 was a step too far. Like, way too far. But then, Mark doesn't have an off-switch. He doesn't have an on-switch, either. He's just, stuck like this. Permanently. So help me, Jesus. 

"Dan!" Ethan yelled over as he saw Dan waiting at a restaurant. Tyler's teeth clenched. 

Okay, so, Dan so happens to be the music genius of the tour. And yeah, Tyler didn't have anything against the man; he was a solid enough person, just. He and Ethan had become friends pretty quickly, and yeah, maybe there was a little jealousy there. Maybe? Definitely. But then, what right did he have to be jealous, anymore? It was Ethan's life, and he had to choose. 

"Hey, Ethan! This was the right place, yeah?" 

"Yup!" 

"Cool." Dan smiled, and Tyler pushed his way through the others, following behind Mark. 

"Hey, man!" Mark greeted him. How come everyone was so friendly, today?

"Hey! So, you said we booked a table? What name's it under?" 

"Mine." 

Okay. Maybe that sounded a little colder than I wanted to. 

Tyler, as Dan had kindly moved aside, headed through first, (not without catching a glimpse of Ethan, who didn't seem very impressed), and up to the waiter. 

"Schied." 

...

The best part of dinner was the talking. Because, when there was talking, there was the following:  
1) A drowning out of Tyler's thoughts.  
2) The possibility of hearing Ethan's voice, or his laugh, or seeing him smile.   
3) Being able to remain 'silent, one-word' Tyler for a while. 

The worst parts of dinner were the following:   
1) When the reason Ethan was laughing or smiling was because of Dan.   
2) When Ethan's smile dimmed when he looked at Tyler.  
3) Not wanting to look up and see the joy in his hazel eyes for these said reasons. 

For this, Tyler tried his best to try to block out most of the dinner. The main thing he did remember, however, was dessert. 

"Yes!" Ethan beamed as his ice cream came over. God damnit. Why did he have to be so kissable and cute? It just wasn't fair. 

Mark suddenly coughed, earning Tyler's gaze to face something other then his plate, or the wall, or Dan, or (occasionally) Ethan. 

"God damn. I don't want to jinx it, you guys, but I think I'm getting a little sick." 

"It's fine. You and Ethan can stay in quarantine all week!" Kathryn beamed a clever quip, and Mark simply scowled and began eating his own food. 

"I swear, why do I hang out with these people?" 

Everyone smirked to themselves. Even Tyler did, a little. Then, he was reminded by Ethan's smile that things still needed to be fixed. 

It was decided; tonight, as awkward an attempt as it might be, he was going to try and talk things out with Ethan. Not in front of everyone, that would be silly. In the room. 

That makes it seem kinda, creepy? But, no, he wasn't gonna try anything like that. He just wanted his friend back, at the minute. His top concern was being in Ethan's life again. 

As they all got back to the hotel, however, Tyler's mind had been somewhat changed. Before leaving Dan at the restaurant earlier on, he was first approached. See it how you want to; a threat, a warning, or help from a cautious friend, but this is what Dan said:

'I know what happened. Don't pressure him again. Don't make him do anything for your sake. Because, I won't stand for it. I won't.'


	28. Because, no sonnet, and no lyric

Tyler's plan, before dinner, was to use this evening to talk things out with Ethan. But...

'I won't stand for it.' 

Now, he wasn't so sure.

Maybe he was pushing too far. But then, maybe he wasn't pushing far enough.   
All they'd done, really - other than avoid any eye contact and communication possible - was shout at each other. And, that was due to a weak attempt of trying to make amends of, no, trying to clarify and make sense of everything that had happened. Or, simply, lf doing nothing. And so, it was obvious, wasn't it? This all needed to be straightened out. 

After closing the door behind him and Ethan, (after leaving the others in the lobby), Tyler began to prepare himself and his words. However, at noticing the pale body that sat down on the bed limply, there was suddenly a more concerning matter to attend to; Ethan, (his friend?), had clearly gotten worse. 

It was scary, to be truthful, to suddenly see how sick he really was. Because, at dinner, Tyler was sure that he hadn't felt this bad. He'd seemed, quite normal. But now, he saw it all; the sweat, the shaking, and he heard the small, difficult intakes of air through the nose. He had to do something.

"Ethan?" Tyler placed a hand on the small frame's shoulder, and, (if it were strong enough), this hand probably would have been shrugged away. But, instead, it only drew their gazes together. "Is there anything I can get for you?" 

Although, at first, Ethan showed signs of protest, he eventually responded with a weak nod. "Just, some water, please." 

Tyler left shortly, but soon returned with a paper cup, handing it over. "Thank you." He made a note of how slowly he drank, like that too were a painful ordeal. After drinking, he handed the cup back, and Tyler placed it on the bedside table.   
If only he could do more to help. 

"Ethan-" 

"I want to talk things through, too. But, maybe later?" 

Tyler nodded, and couldn't help but show a small smile.  
Why? Because, Ethan wanted to talk to him, and this opened up multiple opportunities which had been temporarily closed off.   
They might get back on good terms, become friends again, even.   
Maybe, just maybe, he'd want to be with him. Do the whole 'boyfriend' thing right, this time. No thought could make him happier. 

Do you know what else made him happy?   
The way Ethan, sleepily and sickly as he was, wrapped his body around Tyler in the night. Head on chest, arms around torso, and legs intertwined together. It was warm. But, maybe that was just the sickness. 

Still, Tyler was happy. And, so was Ethan. All though they were in a different country entirely, both of them felt the same; happy, and at home.


	29. Not even a novel

Waking up the next morning, Ethan felt as though he'd been hit with a ton of bricks. His cold had developed rapidly over night, and he found himself almost struggling to breathe, but, mostly, trying his hardest to stop himself from coughing. Tyler, who had been asleep until he was awoken by the slender frame's movement against his own body, cringed at the sound of Ethan's rough choking. 

"Hey, you okay? Need me to get you something?" 

It was at this moment only that Ethan realised how he must have been sleeping all night, and he slowly crawled off of Tyler, sitting up in bed next to him, instead. Sure, this disheartened Tyler, but it also did Ethan. They both wanted to be fine with each other, again. But, would they ever be? 

"I'm fine." Although, his tone and struggle to say these words clearly showed that he was not. 

...

It was at breakfast that Tyler noticed that Mark too was not in perfect health, and everyone now was concerned at how the tour could continue. Well, start, because they hadn't even done the first event. It was tonight, however, and so the majority of today would be practicing some improv, doing sound checks, that sort of thing. Which was just peachy, because sound and music meant Dan, and the last time Tyler had interacted with him was when he was pretty much threatened to stay away from Ethan. Yeah, like he was going to do that. Especially when he's so sick. No way in hell.

As they all entered the stage of the performance hall, Tyler braced himself for meeting with Dan. Well, not really meeting, just making eye contact with. He knew that when it was show time, he'd have to play nice; someone in the audience was more than likely to be recording it, and he didn't need theories blasting around the internet. And, Dan was also kind of one of the main reasons why they all looked so good up there, so he'd have to show his gratitude. For now, though, he didn't need to be grateful for anything, especially not a threat. 

"Ethan!" 

"Hey, Dan!" 

Fuck. It. All.

Why did Ethan look so happy, sound so happy, whenever he saw Dan in the day? He wasn't like that with Tyler. I mean, maybe he was before all of it went to shit, but he couldn't really remember a specific time when he was. Maybe? No. No, he wasn't into Dan, that wouldn't make any sense. He'd clearly gotten upset at the idea of people thinking that he was gay, so there was no way. They were just friends. Right? 

"You want me to teach you any songs, today? Like last time?" 

"Sure!" 

Dan glanced at Tyler for a second, a small scowl appearing on his brows, before turning back to Ethan with a smile. Okay then. This was going to be great! No, it wasn't.   
This was going to be a very long day. But, maybe, at the end of it, Tyler would finally get to talk to Ethan. For now, that was what he'd hold onto. The possibility of being with him was worth it all.


	30. Could explain this

We finished the first show of the European tour. You looked exhausted.  
I wanted to help you, but I wasn't sure as to how much I could actually do. After all, there wasn't a lot you could do to cure a cold. And, I didn't want to baby you, because I knew that you wouldn't like that.  
I don't remember exactly when we travelled to the next stop, as I was tired. But, I do remember that on the next day, me and you finally talked again.

"Ty?" Ethan smiled almost, shifting his weight. "You wanted to talk?" 

Okay. This was it. Breathe. Talk. You can do it. Just, tell him everything. 

"Yeah, I did. I do." They both sat together. Alone. It was the perfect opportunity. "I just, I wanted to tell you everything. I need to clarify everything that I know, and then ask what you know." 

"Okay?" Tyler knew that he'd sound confused. After all, that sentence didn't make sense out of context. Or, with context, for that matter. 

"Here goes. We kissed. More than once. And, I personally felt something. I thought that you did, too. I understand if you didn't, and you just want to be friends, but my heart is telling me that that's just not true. I believe that this is right. So, I was wondering, how about you?" 

Ethan sat in silence for a while, looking down at his hands as they played with his bracelets. Tyler saw confidence slowly building up in his eyes, as he eventually turned to lock eye contact. 

"I-" he cut himself off, swallowing hard. "I, I'm not sure." He stood up, pacing a little, before turning back to him. "I know that I, I liked the kiss. And, I think that maybe there's a reason behind that, but I just. I don't know. Because, I'm not gay. I know I'm not. It's a fact. I'm into girls. It just, it doesn't make sense to me." 

Tyler nodded, in an almost solemn nature. But, he hadn't lost hope completely. Not yet. 

"Well, maybe you're- you know, bisexual, or...?" 

Ethan shrugged. He was very clearly confused. 

"What are you? I mean, are you-" 

"I'm gay." Tyler spoke straightforwardly. There was no point in beating around the bush. 

Ethan nodded. Although, he soon wore another look of confusion on his brows. 

"And, and how did you know? Did you ever like girls?" 

Tyler knew that he and to take this into consideration. He thought on the past, that maybe there was a time when he was interested in women too, but found that he never really was. Not in that way. And, if he ever said he was, it was probably just a cover up. 

"No. If I ever said that I did, it was most likely just my way of hiding my sexuality, from others and myself. You know how some people are." 

Another nod, and still some confusion. He wasn't sure on what to do. A violent sneeze caused him to break away from the moment, and he soon decided to speak again. 

"If it's okay, I'd like just a little more time? Obviously, I don't expect you to wait forever for me to make up my dumb mind, but, just a little while." 

"Of course." Tyler smiled lightly, standing up. "And, your mind isn't dumb, Ethan. You know that." 

They didn't properly speak again until the evening. Sure, they were doing improv scenes together, but they didn't really have a conversation until after the second show of tour. And, that wasn't the best, but it was something. They had started talking again.  
What else could Tyler ask for?  
A lot.  
But then, he promised he'd wait. And wait, he would. But, not for much longer. He wouldn't have to pretty soon. It was only a matter of time before Ethan would decide.  
He did decide. But, that comes later. First, you need the rest.


	31. Crap, this is corny

It was after the second show of tour, and the guys headed backstage. It was after Q&A, and let's just say, things had gotten emotional. Then, they always did at that point of the show. Seeing so many people there just to see them, was incredible.   
Everyone was now standing together, (not tightly, but just enough to overhear conversations), including Amy, Kathryn, and Dan. As they all hadn't completely gotten past their emotional stages, Ethan turned to Mark sincerely. 

"Hey, Mark? Thank you. For everything. Without you, I wouldn't be doing all of this." At saying the next part, his voice broke, and he was suddenly unable to hold back the tears which had already began welling in his eyes. "You're my hero." 

"Aw, come here, ya stoop." Mark pulled him into a quick hug, pulling away and smiling, with a quick clap on the shoulder. 

He was still crying, the tears streaming down his cheeks, and for a moment, Tyler lost himself. His hands wandered to Ethan's face, gently wiping the tears away. When he realised what he was doing, he smiled pleasantly and tried to make a joke of it.  
But, he couldn't deny what it looked like. And, people saw. Mark definitely saw; he was acting all bashful about it. Other people saw, too. Especially Dan. 

"Sorry." Tyler whispered, when he had moved his hands away. Ethan shook his head slightly in protest, assuring him that it was alright. But, the next few minutes would suggest otherwise.   
Dan pulled Tyler aside, and Ethan and Mark watched from a small distance. Soon, everyone else did too. 

"I thought I told you not to push him?" Although it came out in a whisper, it wasn't any less aggressive to the ear than if it was yelled. 

"I didn't, I- I don't have to explain myself to you." 

"What?" 

Mark soon stepped closer, butting in before things could get too out of hand. 

"Hey, guys, calm down. We don't want to make a scene, here." 

"I'm calm. It's fine." Dan nodded, turning to Tyler with one last look of distaste, before walking off. 

"Thanks. But, I had that." 

"You probably did. But, I wouldn't want to start a fight over this." He turned his voice down a little, making sure that Ethan couldn't hear. "It wouldn't really help you prove to him that you're, you know, the right guy." 

For a moment, Tyler was confused, but he soon nodded in agreement. It would be very irresponsible to start a fight, and Ethan definitely did not want to be the reason for it. 

Soon, everyone, (except from Dan), had continued talking again. But, Tyler couldn't forget the look in Ethan's, (slightly blue, now), eyes. There was disappointment, but mostly there was something there that he hadn't seen for a long while. Two somethings, actually.   
One; there was happiness. And, two? Two took him back to the look he never wished to see again. 

Weakness.


	32. But, I need to say it again

"Ty?" Ethan whispered to his side, causing Tyler to look away from his book. 

They were flying again, and most others were asleep, (as it was a later flight). At hearing the soft voice produce his nickname, Tyler immediately became flooded with emotions. Mostly happiness, but also nervousness. They hadn't properly talked since the night before. 

"Yeah?" 

"What are you reading?" 

It had now become clear, (obvious), that Ethan had been wanting an excuse to talk to him. He smiled pleasantly, before adjusting the book in his hands so that he could see the front cover. 

"The Catcher in the Rye." Ethan read aloud, before looking at Tyler again, proceeding to ask a question that he didn't really care about. "What is it?" 

"This guy who's in a mental hospital. It's pretty good." 

"'Kay." Ethan nodded, shifting his eyes to his hands as he played with his bracelets. Must have been a nerve thing. 

He soon turned his gaze back to Tyler, who had taken his eyes off of him, causing him to blush violently. They both looked away. 

"Ty?" 

"Yeah?" 

Ethan, slowly and hesitantly, slipped his hand into Tyler's, causing him to bring his gaze back. Although, Ethan was much too bashful now to look at him. 

"I just, want to know what it feels like. I haven't made my mind up yet or anything, and I just- I want to be certain." 

It was false hope, and Tyler knew it. Still, he strengthened the hold, running his thumb over the knuckles.

"Okay." He already had his gaze fixed back on his book. This was a lot, and Tyler knew that it wouldn't last longer than the flight would. But still, it was happening for now, and that made him happy.  
For the remainder of the flight, they stayed like this. Ethan tried his best not to drift off to sleep, but eventually his eyes closed and he breathed in and out quietly, allowing his body to fall closer to Tyler's. It felt amazing. 

He re-read the same sentence 74 times.


	33. I love you

For the rest of the tour, everyone was relatively relaxed, (as relaxed as you can be when you're performing in front of thousands of people a day). There, at least, weren't anymore disputes between Tyler and Dan. Just a couple of odd stares now and again. But hey, what did Tyler care? 

He and Ethan had been talking a lot more, and it felt great. There was less tension in the air, and a sense instead of a return to the good. In short, their friendship was returning. And maybe, something with it was being born? Only in Ethan, that is. Tyler already had it. 

Now, it was the last day. I say the last day; I don't mean the last show, but the travelling part. Let's just say, it was a long ass flight back home. Luckily, most of it was in the daytime, and so Tyler had the chance to talk to people. People? Ethan. Maybe Mark, but mostly Ethan. 

He finished the last chapter of his book, closing it and putting it away in his bag before relaxing back in his chair, eyes closed.   
Ethan looked towards him, smiling before looking away again and back to his film. Tyler opened his eyes, as if sensing his movement, and Ethan looked back. He immediately felt his cheeks redden, and he offered the other side of his earphones to Tyler. 

"Wanna watch?" 

Tyler nodded, accepting the earphone. 

"What is it?" 

"Not really sure. I just liked the look of it. It's weird." 

It was weird, but oh well. This whole thing was weird. 

~

As they were leaving the airport everyone was sorting out transport. As, (unlike with the American tour), they had all arrived through different means of transport, the only two vehicles left in waiting were Mark's new van (God that sounds dodgy as heck), and Tyler's car. (Ethan and Kathryn had arrived by taxi.)

Mark and Amy headed over to the van, and, as Kathryn stood looking at her phone, Ethan hesitantly stood next to Tyler. 

"Kathryn?" Amy yelled over, gesturing to the van. Kathryn nodded and got in the back, not before saying bye to the others. 

"Ty?" 

Tyler immediately smirked, opening his trunk. "Give me your case." 

Ethan beamed brightly, and Tyler was pleasantly surprised to see a toothy smile playing on his lips softly. 

Welp. This was gonna be a fun ride home. (*wink wink*) (I wish)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part 2 tomorrow... I can promise, it'll be an experience...


	34. I love you too

I remember this day with the happiest thoughts. 

At first, I didn't think anything would happen. I took your suitcase out of the trunk, handing it over. You looked at me, and you were shy all over, if that makes any sense? 

"Do you want to come upstairs?" Your hands twitched nervously, and what was that look in your eyes? No, I mean, past the fear. There was something fiery, and it drew me in. I followed you up to your apartment door. 

You unlocked it, swung it open, pulling your case before. I still followed behind, but my entire body felt tense. You stopped tugging it, leaving it behind your couch, and you turned to look at me. Shocked, I turned around to close the door. I don't know why I had such a reaction; it was just from the vibes you were giving, I think. I was so confused.

Turning back to you, I saw you sat on the couch. You didn't even turn to look at me, to gesture me over. I just walked over myself, like something was pulling me towards you. It was all so weird.

I sat down, and...

God. Your lips. They were on mine, again. It felt so right. But, it wasn't, was it? No clarifications had been made, still. You hadn't answered my questions, and I needed those answers desperately before this could continue. I needed you to say that you were mine. 

Pushing you away was harsh. Well, not harsh, really. It just... it didn't feel good, I guess. Not to me, and, most likely, not to you, either. Nervous laughter caused me to stumble with my words.

"Hey, slow down." 

"Sorry." 

...

Ethan sunk back down next to Tyler, emitting a small sigh. He ran a hand across his face, shaking his head lightly. 

"No. I'm not. Not this time." With courage, he turned to face him. "I mean this. All of it." 

Tyler, mouth slightly open, blinked in awe. 

"What? You mean...?" 

"Yeah. I like you, Ty." He rubbed a hand against the back of his neck, awkwardly. "Do you think, maybe we could, give this a shot?" 

...

How do you think I answered?  
I don't suppose it really matters. The next few moments were memorable, all the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end, I'm not that cruel XP


	35. That's all I need to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't spell today... I'm sorry...

"Yes. I'd love to." 

Hands were on each other sooner than you'd think, until they weren't. 

Every move was effortless, and full of passion, but Tyler didn't know what to do. Well, of course he knew what to do, he just... Where did he put his hands? How was the right way to hold him? He didn't want him to feel uncomfortable, or pressured, or anything. Things didn't need to go that far, not yet, especially since this was so new.  
Ethan pulled apart from him, a small frown playing at his kissable lips. 

"What?" Tyler stammered, his smile faltering. 

"Do you not want to...?" 

"What? Oh, god no! I mean, yes, just..."

For a moment, they stayed in silence. Ethan, who had shifted his weight on top of Tyler, allowed his head to rest against his chest while he waited for a response. 

"I'm scared." Tyler murmured, placing his lips to Ethan's head. It was embarrassing to admit, but he was. He was terrified. "I don't want to do anything to push you away, again." 

Ethan lifted his head up, looking at him with a shocked expression.

"You never pushed me away. I pushed myself away." He sat up, running a hand through his hair. "I was scared, about what people would think. And, I was confused, about how I felt. I mean, I still like girls, but, I like you too."

Tyler nodded, taking in every word. When Ethan had stopped, he began. 

"Hey." He placed a hand against his cheek gently, smiling. "It's okay. No ones gonna judge you. And, if they do, I'll beat their ass." Ethan laughed quietly. "I mean it. I'd do anything for you." 

A look, one look, and they were kissing again; Ethan moving Tyler's hands at first so that he knew what he was comfortable with. Apparently, he was comfortable with a lot. And I mean, a LOT. But, mostly, they stayed on the small of his back, enjoying the feel of the beautiful, natural curves. A few minutes later, however, Tyler had to stop it.  
They both knew where things were going, and at how quick a rate. Ethan was practically tugging at Tyler's shirt enough to rip it, and Tyler felt both his length and Ethan's as hard as a rock. 

"Hey, slow down." Tyler chuckled as he felt hands pulling his shirt up. 

"Sorry." Ethan smiled, but he was hurt by it, all the same. "I just, thought we could..." 

"I know. But, are you sure? I mean, are you ready?" 

Ethan nodded a shy response. Tyler was just asking if he was ready for them to take the next step in their relationship, but Ethan took it another way. The way he believed that Tyler didn't actually realise. He'd never actually had sex before. And, sure, he was scared, but it was Tyler. He had no reason to be. 

"Okay." 

Ethan laughed nervously as he was lifted up by his hips, and almost naturally he wrapped his legs around Tyler's torso. 

"Wait. What are you doing?" He chuckled. 

Tyler smiled, shaking his head. 

"Honestly. Like I'd let your first time be on a couch." He placed a soft kiss on Ethan's neck, breath tingling his skin. "You deserve everything I can give." He whispered, before pulling away and looking back at Ethan. They kissed again, and continued their path with a trail of kisses, Tyler readjusting his hold and making him giggle against his lips.  
They entered Ethan's bedroom...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Next part is gonna get a little hotter...


	36. You're everything to me, did you know that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING : DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER IF YOU DONT LIKE SMUT 
> 
> Why is this my longest chapter? 
> 
> What have I become?

Ethan giggled as they fell down on his mattress. After a pause, a look in each other's eyes, Tyler kissed his lips, hoping that not seeing the smile would make his heart beat slower. But, the feeling only quickened the rate.   
He chuckled as Ethan pulled at his shirt, an effort to pull it up over him. The actions were clumsy, but everything felt perfect. He pulled apart, lifting his shirt up over him. As he went to kiss him again, however, Ethan paused him. 

"Wait." 

With surprisingly steady hands, he traipsed over Tyler's torso; chest to abs, taking them in. His eyes wandered with his hands, down until they reached the scars. He cautiously traipsed his fingers over them, and in his eyes was a frown, and something of admiration. Tyler felt sick.   
He cleared his throat; he didn't really mean to, it was just an instinctive reaction. Ethan immediately looked up, pulling his hands away quickly. 

"Sorry. I, I didn't mean to..." He trailed off when he saw tears welling up his eyes. They're weren't a lot, and the possibility of them falling was pretty low, but they were still there. "Ty?" 

"Sorry, I just. It's nothing." 

Ethan understood, so he didn't have to explain. 

"Tyler." He earned his gaze before continuing. "Your scars are beautiful." 

That was it, and they were kissing again. Everything felt perfect, until Tyler had the same thoughts as before. Where was he supposed to put his hands? What was the best way to hold him? His actions became a lot more hesitant, and Ethan could tell. He pulled apart. 

"Are you okay?" Recieving no answer, he continued. "I mean, you're hardly touching me. Have I done something wrong?" 

"No! Never. I just, I don't want to hurt you." 

Ethan giggled, rolling his eyes. 

"You're not going to hurt me. Look." He grabbed both of Tyler's hands, holding them in his, and pulled them so that they rested on Ethan's sides, going up and underneath his shirt. "Doesn't hurt, does it?" He smirked, and there was something sly playing on his lips. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Honestly, Tyler." Ethan raised his hands up, holding Tyler's face in them both, and pulling him closer. "I want this. I want you to love me." 

He brought their lips together, and soon Ethan's shirt was fully off, and he was working on undoing Tyler's trouser button. 

"God damnit." Ethan panted, and soon he joined in laughing with Tyler. 

"I got it." Tyler smirked, moving his hands down and undoing it with ease. 

Turns out, Ethan was a lot more nervous than he let on; his hands were shaking too much to undo it. Tyler noticed, and, once he'd removed his pants, he lifted one hand up to his cheek, running his thumb over his skin softly. 

"You okay?" 

Ethan nodded, though through this question being asked, he felt himself grow even more nervous. The next words calmed him, though. 

"You're safe with me." 

Ethan nodded, and a minute later they were both in their underwear. 

"Ty?" 

Ethan moaned as he left a trail of hickeys up his neck and collarbone. Tyler looked up. 

"Yeah?" 

"Um, how do you- I mean..." 

"I'll show you." 

Tyler held Ethan's hands in his own, and pulled them over to his boxers. He nodded, and Ethan slowly pulled them off, gulping when he saw his size. Tyler smirked, rolling his eyes slightly, and Ethan smiled shyly when he saw this.   
When Ethan's were off, he breathed out shakily, stopping Tyler. 

"Wait. Do you have to do the finger thing?" 

"What?" Tyler laughed, and Ethan tried his best not to smirk in response. 

"You know... the thing." 

"Oh? Oh..." Tyler nodded in understanding. "It'll hurt more if I don't." 

"I, I just... I don't think I like the idea of it." 

"You sure?" 

Ethan nodded, and Tyler did the same in agreement.  
He looked to Ethan's bedside table, opening the drawer and grabbing the lube.   
After applying it, he placed the bottle on the table, turning all of his attention back to Ethan. He was shaking, and honestly, he looked terrified. 

"Hey. We don't have to do it-" 

"No! I want to. I really want to, just... how much does it hurt?" 

"I'm not sure... If it helps," he wrapped Ethan's arms around him, reassuring him. "Just hold on to me, okay?" 

He nodded, and Tyler pushed himself forward slowly, and almost immediately felt short nails digging into his back. He seethed his teeth in pain, and stopped moving, making sure that Ethan was okay. 

"Could we kiss, too?" 

Tyler nodded and brought their lips together, and slowly continued to move within him. He felt teeth bite down on his bottom lip from time to time, but slowly the pain evened out. Ethan's cheeks were slightly damp from tears, and Tyler wiped them away gently. 

"It hurts." Ethan groaned against his lips, and Tyler nodded in understanding. 

"It won't hurt for much longer, okay? It'll feel good soon." 

Soon his painful groans turned into light moans, and his legs wrapped around Tyler's hips, bringing him down hard, and pulling them closer. 

"Ty." He ran his hand through his hair, tugging at it lightly. "Go a little faster. Please." 

Tyler obliged, quickening his speed a little. 

"Feel good?" 

"Mm." Ethan nodded, giving him a rushed, hot kiss. 

"Do you want me to make you feel better?" 

"Please." 

Tyler placed a free hand on Ethan's own cock, feeling his body shudder in anticipation, his legs tightening around him. 

"This okay?" 

Ethan nodded quickly, panting. 

"Yes. Please, Ty." 

He moved his hand at a steady rhythm, relishing in Ethan's whimpers of pleasure. 

"Ty." 

"Yeah?" 

"I want to make you feel good." 

"You are, sweetheart. You are." 

Ethan's breathing hitched and he tightened his grip further. 

"Tyler. I can't hold on much longer." 

It soon got to the point where he couldn't hold on any longer. Ethan's body arched, and he came into Tyler's hand, breathing out heavily. Tyler stopped moving. 

"I'm sorry." 

"It's okay." He didn't move away, just hugged Ethan close to his chest. "Just, let me rest like this a little while." 

Ethan nodded, wrapping his arms around Tyler to hold him closer. 

"Ty?" 

"Yeah?" 

"I think..." 

"Yeah?" 

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, lol... pls, do not think ill of me XD


	37. Shut up, I'm not

Ethan stretched his arms out, yawning. His eyes, hazy from sleep, drifted slowly over the bare torso next to him, as did his hand. Hearing a chuckle, he lifted his head up to look at the owner of the voice. 

"Hey."

"Hey." Ethan sunk his head down into Tyler's chest, only earning another small laugh. 

Tyler ran his hand through Ethan's hair, smiling. 

"You tired?" 

"No. Maybe." Ethan mumbled, lifting his head up. "I'm mostly hungry." 

Tyler chuckled again. He couldn't help it; the smile in his eyes. He was so happy.

'I think I'm falling in love with you.'

How could he not be happy? 

"I need food. And a shower." 

"Second that." 

Ethan looked up, a bright smile in his lips, and moved himself up to kiss Tyler's lips. Pulling away, he flinched. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Just..." he fidgeted again. "I'm a little sore." 

"Sorry." 

Ethan nodded, laying a kiss on Tyler's chest.

"It's okay. What time is it?" 

"Um, hold on." He reached down for his phone, which was still in his pant pocket. "1:30, apparently." 

"Afternoon?!" Ethan cried, and Tyler nodded in response. 

"Yup. Didn't have to do YouTube or anything, did you?" 

"No. I'm good for today, I just... It's just a little later than I thought it'd be." He soon shrugged his shoulders, smirking. "Quess it'll just have to be noodles!" 

Tyler brightened up at this, smiling.

"Sure. Do you wanna make them?" 

"I'm not the best at cooking." Ethan giggled. "Plus, there isn't a lot in the house." 

"Simple. Shower, shopping, lunch. Done." He placed a small kiss on Ethan's forehead, smiling brightly. 

Ethan considered it for a minute, before nodding. 

"Okay!" 

God. That smile. You're gonna be the death of me.   
Or, maybe, the reason to keep on going.


	38. ~Authors note~

I apologise to you. I will not be able to post a chapter today, so will post two the next day xx   
Thank you all so much for your ongoing support, and I'm glad that you all enjoy it! XP


	39. You are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: kinda smutty? I don't know, they're naked, whatever that counts as. Ah well, have fun! XP

Shower; that was step one, I suppose. Tyler didn't want to have to make a change of plans. After all, it was just ruin timing. Right? Oh, shut up, just give him this one. 

Water trickled down as Ethan turned the shower on, standing outside it. He reached his hand in, putting it below the droplets, but moved it back when he felt how cold it was. 

"Ethan?" He heard Tyler call from the bedroom, and turned his head a little to the side to hear him better. 

"Yeah?" 

"I can't find my shirt." 

"There's probably one of yours left in my wardrobe." 

"Okay, thanks!" 

Ethan thought back to when he first moved to LA...  
At first, he thought that he'd have had to stay in the editing office at Mark's, but Tyler invited him to live with him in his apartment. He was really sweet about it; took the couch so Ethan could have the bed, but he eventually had to get his own place. It wasn't very fair to keep on living that way. Tyler had a job he had to go to, so he needed to get some proper rest.   
But yeah. Ethan used to borrow some of Tyler's clothes, (mostly shirts and jumpers). It was easier than going out and buying more. 

"Hey." A seductive whisper past his ear, and two hands on his sides drew him away from his thoughts and reddened his cheeks. 

"Hi." He gulped, shying away, letting his head fall down slightly. 

"Don't do that. You're beautiful." He nuzzled into the crook of his neck, leaving a trail of soft kisses. 

"Ty..." He moaned quietly, and Tyler pulled away, beaming. 

"Shower, then?" He placed his hand underneath the water, nodding. "It's warm enough, now." 

Ethan nodded, hopping in with him. The skin on the back of his neck flushed as they stood tight together, and he felt the urge to both move even closer and pull further apart. Thankfully, Tyler did the former, placing their foreheads together. 

"Damn, I'm lucky." He kissed him softly, pulling away with a sincerely happy smile. 

But, Ethan. He looked sad. His eyes drooped downwards.

"Ethan? What's wrong?" Tyler moved his head, trying to gain his attention. "Did I do something?" 

"No. I..." He saddened again, turning his head to the side. "I don't feel beautiful. I'm not beautiful. I'm not even cute, or hot, or anything. I'm just... me." 

"Just you?" Placing his hand underneath Ethan's chin, he finally urged his gaze back to him. "Well, in that case, I want just you. And, I'll help you to feel beautiful. As beautiful as you are, and more." 

Ethan smiled, nodding lightly. They kissed softly, and they both knew. This was right. Them, together.   
With Tyler, he was happy.  
With Ethan, he was at home.   
Together, they were both. Happy and at home.


	40. Don't you know that? Really?

Step two was shopping, and let me tell you; it was a time. 

"I'll go get the veggies!" Ethan beamed, heading down the aisle. 

Tyler smiled, shaking his head. He headed down a separate aisle to get some egg noodles. 

"Hey." 

A voice spoke up from behind him, and before he knew it a fist flew into his face, clouding his vision. He held his jaw in his hands, adjusting it. 

"Jesus, man. What's your problem?" 

"My problem? You forget already?" The man shook his head, a look of disgust on his expression. "I'm Michael's brother." 

Tyler's face went white, and he slowly took a step back. 

"I'm sorry. I never knew, I didn't..." 

"Tyler?" Ethan stepped over to him. "Is he bothering you?" 

"No." The man stalled, stepping over to Tyler. "You owe me, owe him, for not spilling your damn secret." He turned to Ethan, nodding respectfully, and went to walk away after saying one last thing. "I'll be seeing you." 

Tyler gulped, turning around to watch him walk off. 

"Ty?" 

He turned to Ethan quickly, putting on a small smile. 

"God, your lip." He lifted a hand up to the side of Tyler's face, gently touching the bruise forming around his mouth. "The hell was his problem?" 

I promised I would tell you everything. I did, but... would you love me, if you knew the truth? Of the monster that I am? So, what else could I have said in that moment? I know what else. But, it's not what I did say.  
I'm sorry. 

"I don't know. Just some jerk, I guess."


	41. I mean, I've heard you say it enough times, but...

I suppose now, we have to cook, huh? I don't think that I want to. 

Your lip is bruised, stained with dried blood. I want to clean it first.   
I want to make you feel good. You said that I did, called me 'sweetheart', but I can do so much more. I want to do so much more with you.   
I'm stuck between wanting to comfort you and wanting to fuck you; wanting you to fuck me, and you to comfort me. And, god damnit, I'm really fucking hungry. 

You place the bags down on the kitchen counter, (I should have carried more than I did), and start to remove the items.   
I want you to stop.   
I can't stop looking at your lip. Let me clean it. Let me look at something else, something better. That hickey on your collarbone; I did that. It's much better to look at that, but still I look to your lip. And, I grab a wet cloth, walk over to you, pull you away from whatever it is you're doing, make you look at me. Then I clean it. You flinch at first, because in my rushed attempt to help you it ends up hurting you more, and I hate myself for it. 

Yet, you smile at me. Not just with your mouth, but with your eyes too, and that's how I know that it's a real smile. That's how I know that you're happy, or that I make you feel good, or that I'm comforting you like I wanted to. 

"Thank you." 

I want to say something back, just a simple 'You're welcome' or 'It's okay', but I can't form the words. I go to nod, but I can't even do that. I just walk back to the sink, put the cloth down, walk back to you and empty the other bags. The heck is wrong with me? 

You flip to the page of the recipe book we're using; it's the one that my mom gave me when I moved into this apartment. I should probably use it more, maybe make a video out of it. With my cooking skills, though, that's a bad idea. Wait, what cooking skills? They're not existent. 

For a moment, I can't hear; all sound fades away, and I'm moving like usual; fetching cookery equipment we need, and you're moving your mouth, telling me to get these things, but I can't hear you. So, I look at the book, read the list, and I'm still moving. I don't think I can stop. And then I do. 

"Ethan?" 

Your voice cuts through like a knife. Or more specifically, like the knife I was fetching before you spoke out. And that's now coated in my blood, and the floor is filling with the same, and your voice is full of apologies and sadness, and I want to cry, I feel like crying, but even tears won't come out.   
I'm just, empty.

I can't hear you, Ty. I can't...

Ty? Tyler, where'd you go? I can't see you. I can't see anything. It's all darkness, no light. 

Tyler, please. I'm scared. 

There's a little flash of light through the darkness, but I only pull away further. I lose consciousness. 

I'm gone. 

 

*Dream

Tyler

Yeah?

Would you still love me, if I was dead?

If you were dead, part of me would die with you, and be with you forever.

Really? 

Mm hmm. You don't have to be so afraid, Ethan. 

Tyler? 

Yeah? 

Would you still love me, if you were dead? 

Forever. But, that's not going to happen, is it? 

It isn't? 

No. I'm not going to die. I've gotten through this once before. I'll be fine.

Tyler.

I love you...

*Dream over


	42. I don't know

What... what did that dream mean? 

Wait... 

I can, hear? I can hear again. There's a beeping sound, and some breathing. My breathing. No, someone else's breathing. Someone else's mumbled voice. 

"Ethan?" 

Tyler. 

I try to open my eyes quickly, but they're slow and hesitant, like the rest of my body as I try to move. 

"Slow down. I'm not going anywhere." 

My eyes, finally open, land on you. You smile at me, and I smile back, but my lips turn into a frown as I move. There's a sharp pain in my side; I look to it, and its bandaged. I look back to you.

"Just rest, okay? You lost a lot of blood." 

I nod, but I don't feel like resting. 

You walk away from me quickly, coming back with a cup of water, and offer it up to me. I turn away. 

"You gotta drink something." 

You look worried. You shouldn't be. 

"I'm fine." 

You shake your head; the doctor calls to you, and you leave me behind. I want to know what you're both saying. 

You walk back over, see my look of confusion, and put on a smile. 

"Nothing. Just, you can go home later. As long as you get some rest now."

I sulk, settling back down. You smirk at me. I don't want to be here. I want to go home. I want to cook noodles with you. Please. Take me home, Tyler. 

 

I'm sorry. Maybe, if I had told you what the doctor had said then and there, you might not be so upset now. Or, maybe, it would have made things worse. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to say goodbye, but I never want to leave you.   
I guess this is how it feels, to be in love.


	43. What do I need to do?

Tyler stepped through the door first, holding it open for Ethan. He didn't need to, but felt obliged to; he was injured, and it was most likely his fault. 

"Sorry." Tyler blurted as he noticed the blood still soaking the floor, knife there also. "I'll clean it up."

"No, I got it-" Ethan headed towards the crimson pool that lay in the kitchen, although his face was etched with fatigue and a lack of effort. 

"Ethan." He was stopped in his tracks, as an arm from behind grabbed gently at his wrist. 

Slowly but surely, Tyler's body was wrapped around the smaller boy, warm breath tickling his neck. His lips found their way onto his skin, nipping at it softly. 

"Ty?" Ethan stammered; his heart thumped against his chest, and he tried his best to quieten it. 

"I'm sorry. Just, wait..." 

Ethan sucked in a sharp breath of air as teeth sunk down into his skin, and he seriously considered in the moment that Tyler had secretly been a vampire the whole time. But, at the realisation of how gentle he was being, he threw this idea away. He slipped his arms around Tyler's back, strengthening his knees which had began to shake, and gripped onto the soft fabric of his shirt. 

"I didn't mean to hurt you, Ethan." He murmured against his skin, and had Ethan not been so taken aback by his actions in the moment, he would have pulled away straight away. But he did pull away. 

"You didn't hurt me. I hurt myself." His expression was of confusion and a need to set things right. But, he was reluctant in doing so, because it meant him being honest with himself, and that was scary. "I... I shouldn't have been carrying the knife. My head was all over the place, and I just wasn't thinking straight." 

Tyler looked even more confused than the smaller boy in front of him. He wanted to protest again, but somehow felt as though now he didn't need to. As though Ethan were right in every single way, but he didn't want him to push all the blame onto himself, because he'd seen what could happen as a result of it. He'd seen how he'd... taken everything out on himself; the pain, anger, sadness, disappointment, all of it. He never wanted to see it again. Never. 

So, he kissed him then and there. He didn't care how messy or rushed or possibly aggressive it was, he just had to stop him. Stop him from hurting himself again. It was messy, and rushed, and almost aggressive, but it didn't matter, because Ethan loved it. Every single minute of it. He kissed back just as hard, pushing his body up close to his chest, letting the natural curves fold into him. It was perfect, until he pushed too much, and Tyler almost slipped in the blood. Luckily, he caught himself just in time, and not for one second of it did he let slip the hold he had. 

"Sorry." Ethan smiled shyly and spoke through ownly slightly parted teeth, so the sound of it was almost harsh to hear. 

Tyler shook his head, returning his lips. 

"Maybe, we should continue this after I clean that up." He smirked, but shook his head as Ethan went to protest again, placing a finger to his lips. "Hush, I'm doing it. I don't want you bending over with that injury. You had to have stitches, you know?" 

"You sure?" 

"I'm pretty sure I can clean up some blood, Ethan. It's fine. And, we can make some food afterwards." 

"You're sweet," Ethan smiled shyly, but there was a hint of it turning sly. "But I meant about bending me over." 

From pure shock, Tyler's mouth parted slightly, and Ethan reacted with a small giggle. Tyler rolled his eyes with a smirk, and began cleaning the floor.

"You be careful, Nestor. You don't want me getting ideas, trust me. I can be dangerous." 

"Nah. You're a big ol' softie!" Ethan jumped up onto the kitchen counter, watching his boyfriend below. 

Boyfriend. That felt good. That felt right. It was right. 

"Hm. You're lucky you're injured." Tyler murmured, and glanced up at him carefully, noticing a small tongue sticking out. 

I've felt that tongue. I've taken it. I can take it again, you menace. 

He rolled his eyes, and continued.


	44. To prove myself to you

"Noodles, noodles! We're making noodles!" 

Ethan sang around the kitchen, putting on a sweet goofy voice that cheered Tyler up. He was happy that Ethan was himself again, and that he was having fun. It was also a nice thing to hear; after the news he'd just gotten from the doctor and all. He should have just told him. 

"What's the next step, Chef Tyler?" He announced, glancing over at the cookbook. 

"Add the steak, and cook for another fifteen minutes." Tyler read the step aloud, turning to the stove. "Ethan!" 

"Shit." Ethan rushed back over, stirring the noodle stir fry again. "Sorry." He smirked, and Tyler shook his head with a pleasant smile as he walked over with the chopped steak, adding it in carefully. 

"I think I regret this." 

"Hey, it looks really good!" 

"It does. I didn't say that it doesn't look good." 

"So, you just meant the 'allowing me to cook' part?" Tyler didn't even need to answer this. He just glanced down and Ethan nodded. "Yup. I know. I'm the literal worst at cooking." 

"It's fine." 

"Yeah! I'll just get you to cook for me!" He beamed, and Tyler felt his cheeks redden. 

Was this what it was like to be in a relationship? God, they were already acting like a married couple, weren't they? 

"Ty?" 

"Yeah?" He broke away, shaking his head a little. 

"Um...when were we meant to add the sweet chilli sauce?" 

"Oh, crap, hold on," he looked back over to the cookbook, shaking his head. "Nah, it's fine, that's the last step." 

"Okay!" 

Once they were made and plated, they headed over to the couch. Sitting down felt nice. Well, sitting down always feels nice, but usually, whenever Tyler sat down on his goddamn couch, he felt nervous or unsure. This time he felt at home. Like, he belonged there. 

"Ty? You okay?" Tyler nodded, and Ethan smiled at him again. "Do you wanna watch a film?" 

"Sure." 

"Yay!" Ethan beamed, scrolling through Netflix. "Hmm..." he mumbled, looking for something good. "Oo, can we watch this?!" 

Tyler smiled as Ethan turned to him with his beautiful, toothy grin, which slowly fell as heat rises in his cheeks.

"What? Have I got food on my face?" 

"No." Tyler reached out his hand, placing it on Ethan's cheek, letting it rest there lightly. "It's nothing, just... You're beautiful, that's all." 

Ethan smiled, ducking his head down in embarrassment. 

"Yeah, okay." He shook it off, turning back to the screen. "So, this one?" 

"Sure." Tyler smiled, and, reluctantly, turned his eyes away from Ethan and towards the TV. 

 

If I told you what the doctor told me, would you still love me? Would you still be with me? Or, would you leave me behind?   
I'm sorry. I don't want to break you down.


	45. To prove how much I really care

"Hey, Ty!" 

Ethan beamed upon seeing his boyfriend stood at his apartment door. He reached open on his toes, pecking his lips softly. 

"Come in!" 

He grabbed ahold of his hand with both of his own, pulling him inside. Only now, as Ethan took in the expression on the man's face, did he realise that something was wrong. Definitely wrong. 

"Ty? Is, everything okay?" 

He could already tell, however, that everything was not okay. Someone only ought to look to understand how he was feeling. 

"No." 

There was a long pause in speech; a solemn sort of silence that even made Ethan as glum as Tyler looked. 

"Ethan, I... I'm sorry. But, I can't..." His voice broke, and he cleared his throat in an attempt to choke back tears. "I can't be with you." 

Ethan's lips curved up into a smile, but his eyes showed the real feeling at hearing those words; confusion. A feeling that asked 'what have I done wrong?' However, he could only get one small part of that question out. 

"What?" A nervous laugh escaped his lips with this, and he noticed how his heartbeat had increased. 

"Ethan, I... This can't happen, okay? Me and you, it won't work." 

"Yes it can." Ethan laughed, shaking. "Did you hit your head or something?" 

"Ethan, stop." It came out as rather commanding, but in reality, he didn't even mean to say it aloud. "I can't be with you anymore." The sudden certainty that Tyler placed into his voice broke through Ethan's common sense, and, without realising it, he allowed tears to stream down his face. "Oh, please don't- It's, better this way." 

"How can you say that?!" Ethan's body now shook from anger. "How can you say that this isn't going to happen anymore? After everything that we went through to get to this point, and you're just throwing it all away! After I let you... let you hold me, let you have me." His expression softened for a moment, before turning back into a regretful scowl. "So, what? You just wanted to know what it would be like to fuck me? Then, as soon as you found that out, you..." 

Tears, emotions, and thoughts were all coming out faster than Ethan could comprehend, and his speech cut off before he could finish, violent sobs taking over. 

Tyler wanted more than anything to pull him into an embrace. To make him okay again. This hurt him too, you know? He just didn't let it show. He knew that in the long run, this would be less damaging to Ethan's heart. He had to do this. 

"I'm sorry, Ethan." His face softened for a moment, but he strengthened it again seconds after. "But I..." His heart shattered at the next words that he forced himself to say. "I can't love you." 

Ethan's crying halted. He blinked away the tears that remained, his eyes full of nothing. Hollowed spheres, with a fake hazel coloured shimmer. 

"Get out." 

Tyler's eyes squinted shut as he forced back tears of his own, and he headed past Ethan, closing the door behind him with a strong reluctancy. And then, when Ethan was alone, his body fell down into a crouch, and he buried his head into his knees, hugging them close to his chest to gather up what little comfort he could have in the moment. 

I'm so sorry. I can love you, Ethan. I have since the first time I met you. But, I never want to hurt you. And, in trying to protect you, I've done so anyway. But I know that, in the long run, this will be better for you. Better for the both of us. 

For, who could love a dying man? The dying man that I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry guys XP


	46. Ask him

The day after, Tyler went over to Mark's house. 

It wasn't exactly planned, but he had received a text the night before. 

Mark: You wanna come over tomorrow?  
Tyler: Sure. You need my help with something?  
Mark: Nope! God, what kinda friend do you think I am? XP 

He really didn't want the answer to that, so Tyler just left it. 

When he arrived the next day, Mark greeted him at the door with the usual happy, bounding Chica following after. 

"Hey, bud!" Mark beamed, letting him in and closing the door after him. 

"Hey. No Amy?" 

"Nope! Just you, me, and the puppo!" 

"Okay." 

Tyler only asked that because he knew that Mark would say who was there, and he didn't want Ethan to be there. It would hurt too much.  
He turned to see that Mark was smiling cheekily, and, hesitantly, decided to question as to why. 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yup!" After a few seconds, he blurted out what had gotten him so happy. "Okay, so, Ethan called me up the other night. He told me that you and him were a thing, now." 

"He did?" 

"Yeah! When were you gonna tell me?" 

"Um, I, I don't know-" 

"Come here!" Mark pulled him into a small hug, parting with a look of sincere happiness. "I'm so happy for you, dude. I know how much you like him." When he saw that Tyler didn't look as pleased as he did, his expression turned to a look of confusion. "Um, you do like him, right? Otherwise this is just awkward." 

"Mark, I..." he looked away, too embarrassed of the truth. No, not embarrassed. Ashamed. "I broke up with him." 

"What?" Mark now had a look of exasperation. "Why? After you got through that whole Dan situation? Did he do something wrong? I mean, I can't really see him doing anything THAT bad-" 

"No, god no. Ethan, he's, he's perfect. No, it's me." 

"What about you?" Mark allowed his features to soften into a more consoling and respectful nature. "If this is just you thinking you're not good enough for him, you are. Or because of your age difference, or something-" 

"No, it's not that. No, I..." 

From the look of Tyler's face and the difficulty in conveying what he wanted to say, Mark could already tell that something was wrong. Tyler was usually really good with getting his thoughts across; he was very well spoken, if not a little shy on camera or in large social groups.  
He put a hand on his knee, and his look turned questioning, but still remained a little saddened.

"Tyler? You're okay, right? Please say that you're okay?" 

"Mark, I..." he trailed off again, figuring out the best way to approach the topic. "Okay, um... before the tour, I went to the hospital for a check up. Just the usual, ya know, I have to have blood tests and such after..." Mark nodded, and he continued. "Well, when I was there with Ethan, the doctor came up to me and-" 

"Wait? Why were you there with Ethan? Sorry." 

"No, it's fine. We were meant to be cooking together, but he slipped, and the knife pierced his side. Doctor said he was lucky it didn't go much further, or it would have punctured something. He had a couple stitches, but he's okay." 

"Okay." Mark nodded, and gestured to Tyler that he should continue. 

"Um, so, yeah, the doctor came up to me, and um... he told me that something came up in the test. A warning sign that, uh, you know, my kidney isn't doing well, um... like last time. I mean, thankfully, we've caught it a little earlier than last time, but..." 

Mark could see him choking up a little, and tried his best to hold back tears of his own. He'd known how this had affected him last time; his sporting life, his family. It shouldn't have to happen again. Just when things were looking up. 

"I don't know what to do. I mean, Jared can't donate again, and my mom can't, because she's had to have kidney transplants herself, and dad was one of her donors, and I just..." he paused, clearing his throat and regaining his composure. "I didn't want Ethan to have to be a part of this. I mean, you saw how it affected me last time. I couldn't do that to him." 

Mark nodded, gaining Tyler's attention.

"Hey. Look. It's gonna be okay. You said it yourself, you've discovered it much sooner, so we have a lot more time to look for donors. You're gonna be okay." 

"Okay." Tyler nodded, but noticed how Mark hadn't made any comment on Ethan. "You do understand why I did what I did though, don't you?" 

Mark paused, hesitant to answer truthfully, but knew that Tyler wouldn't accept anything less than his honest opinion. 

"I suppose I get it. I just, are you sure that's the real reason why you broke up with him? Doesn't have to do with the fact that you don't feel worthy?" 

"I mean, it might have been part of the reason, sure." 

"Look, I just... I'm not sure that you've done the right thing by yourself, or by Ethan. The way he spoke to me on the phone; dude. He was SO happy about you two. And, even though I know that you're going to get better, I just... I don't know how easy it's gonna be if you're thinking, you know, 'what if?' What if you didn't break up with him? What if you'd have stayed together? You can't have these thoughts nagging at you while you're trying to recover. It's not healthy, Tyler." 

"I can, handle it." Although the hesitation in his voice suggested the opposite. 

"Okay. Only if you're sure." 

But, the truth was, he wasn't sure anymore. When he truly thought about it, about going through this a second time, he thought about how he actually would get through it. Could he? He may have had Mark, Amy, Kathryn possibly. Sure, he'd have his mom, dad, Jared. But, he wouldn't have Ethan. Was it really worth it if, after everything they'd been through, he didn't have Ethan? For the rest of the day, Tyler pondered on this, and repeatedly asked himself one question. 

What have I done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next one may be a little sad... I sorry :(


	47. Please, Ty...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: self-harm

On that same day, Ethan carried on as usual. He recorded, edited, made sure that everyone saw that he was okay. Believed. 

He was a rock for people, for his fans, and he needed to let them know that he was okay. Because, if they weren't, and he wasn't, then who was going to be? And, who was going to help them get better?   
His job, although many ignorant people would not realise if they ever heard of someone spending their time on YouTube, was to help people. His job was to inspire others, help keep up a positive mentality in YouTube's target audience, who were mostly those of teenage years, and therefore faced the most negativity in modern day society. They dealt with body issues, stress from school, and, most likely, many mental illnesses as a result. 

No one else was going to help them, were they? It was a fact that school never helped; as he'd only just left a few years ago, he knew from experience. But, even since then, it had gotten worse. Sure, they offer 'help', but does it? And, do they? They give them work upon work, revision, extra work, then, atop of that, say that they will have plenty of time for their own interests. But then, there's other things that they don't consider; eating time, cleanliness, social time, chores, etc. 

YouTube then provided a real escape. And, Ethan couldn't ruin that for them. For the people he cared about. So he put on a smile when the camera was recording, and when it wasn't he fell back down into a dark hole of negative thoughts. Most of those thoughts were questions.

Why? What? When? 

Why had Tyler broken up with him so suddenly? What had he done wrong? And, when? 

~Buzz~ 

His phone lit up in his hand as he finished getting into his pjs. 

Kat: Hey!   
Ethan: Hey Kat! XP  
Kat: I was wondering when you wanted to do that cooking video? 

He sighed, running a hand through his hair. 

Ethan: Tomorrow?   
Kat: Sure! See you then x  
Ethan: See ya x

At least he could see Kathryn soon, then. Right? She'd help cheer him up. And, hopefully, he could talk to Dan soon. And Mark. And Amy. Maybe he could collab with Wade or Jack again! That would be great! 

Then, why could he not get to sleep? It wasn't like he was early to bed or anything. In fact, he was probably later than usual. 

This was pathetic...

If something this simple was capable of setting him off, then what if something worse had happened. 

 

"I'm sorry." Ethan sniffed, sliding the blade across his thigh. "I'm so, so sorry." He dug it in further. "I know. I shouldn't be doing this. What would you all think if you saw?" Crimson red coated the bathroom floor. 

"I suppose you'd think me a hypocrite." He sniffed again, wiping away tears with his free hand. "I suppose that's what I am. But, you should know that..." another slash. "I don't want to be doing this. And, I don't want you to do this either. Definitely not. Take this away from me," 

"If you get upset at the thought of me hurting myself, don't you dare do the same to yourself. Because, I'll get just as upset." 

"Heh. Who am I even talking to?"

"Yet, I mean it. Every single word; no matter who it's aimed at. Don't do it. Please." 

Afterwards, he patched up the scars with a loosely applied bandage, cleaned the floor, and went to bed. There was no comfort. Other than the duvet and the pillows. But, there was no warm body to cling onto. He was alone. At least, he felt alone. But, everyone was there for him. By his side. Cheering him on. 

'Don't do it. Please.' 

We care. We all do, so. Don't do it. 

We love you xx

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Much love xx


	48. I can't...

~Flashback

"Yeah?" Tyler breathed out lightly, trying to regain his breath. 

"I think I'm falling in love with you."

The two remained silent; Ethan, because he was tired, and Tyler, because he was taking it all in. Everything that had happened that evening. It all felt - god damn, he really was corny, wasn't he? - like a dream.   
After a few more minutes, he got up off of the beautiful figure below him, lying down next to him. 

"Really?" 

"Hmm?" 

"...nevermind-" maybe, he really did imagine it all? 

"Yeah." Ethan gulped, thinking about how to best phrase his feelings. "I'm not saying I am- in love with you, that is. I'm just saying that I... I feel like I'm falling. And, I can't stop. But, I don't think I want it to stop." 

"I get it." Tyler nodded, and couldn't help the smile on his face. 

He wrapped his arm around Ethan's torso, pulling him closer with a light peck on his forehead. Immediately, his arms clutched on, and it felt different than whenever he had done so in the past. His arms, which were usually a little weak from sleep, (or a lack of), were slow in movement, and slightly shaken. It was almost as though, all his energy had been taken away- no. It was like his energy had been kickstarted into overload, and here was the aftermath; the most beautiful, precious feeling that Tyler had ever received. 

"Ty?" 

"Yeah?"

"Promise me something... Please?" 

"Mm?" 

"Promise that, this wasn't just a, ya know... a trial and error thing." 

"I promise... trust me, there's no way you're getting away with just this." Tyler smirked, traipsing over a small hickey that pressed into the crook of Ethan's neck. He pressed his lips to his ear, placing a soft kiss, "thank you." 

Ethan giggled quietly, earning a blushed response. "For what?" 

"I don't know. Just, thank you." Tyler sighed, pulling him closer. "For, this. For you." He nuzzled his lips into Ethan's hair, kissing him again. "I love you." It was murmured, but that didn't make it any less real. 

"..." 

~Flashback over

 

...Do you?


	49. You know that I can't

~Buzz~ 

Ethan sleepily reached his arm out to his bedside table, grabbing ahold of his phone. 

6:00 alarm. 

He cleared it, slowly sitting up in bed, wiping his eyes with little effort. 

~Buzz~

Kat: Hey! What time am I coming over again?   
Ethan: Whenever, it's cool dude! XP  
Kat: Okay! XD Be over soon x

Ethan sighed, running a hand through his hair. He stood up, grabbing his clothes, and headed to the bathroom.   
Changing took longer than usual; mostly because he was looking over the newly made scars on his thighs, making sure to rebandage them.

Kathryn arrived at seven, and when Ethan opened the door, he found her holding something behind her back, a smile on her lips.

"What now?" Ethan smirked, but noticed how Kathryn's own expression saddened. 

"Are you okay? You sound like you're a little sick." 

"I'm fine. Just a sniffle, I think." He quickly decided to change the subject, gesturing to what she was hiding. "What's that?" 

"It's..." she pulled it out in front of her carefully, beaming. "Breakfast!" 

"Yay, coffee!" He accepted the cup with his own happy smile, and for a moment forgot everything. But, then, he remembered soon after. "Um, so, we may need to go shopping first for some ingredients. Oh, and I need to pick up Daisy, too!" 

"Okay. What are we cooking?" 

"Well," they walked into Ethan's kitchen, where his cookbook was already open. "I was thinking this fish stew. It's probably one of the least riskiest thing in this book." 

"Okay." Kathryn giggled, nodding. "Lets go!" 

 

Everything reminds me of you. It hurts, but I'm getting on with it. I bet you are too. Getting on with it, not hurting. 

I'm the only one in pain.


	50. You can't, or you won't?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Smutty?? Kinda?? 
> 
> (I know, again right? Rebellious!)

"I hate you." 

Ethan cried as he moaned into the pillow; his legs had begun to shake slightly with the motion, and he felt the urge to bite down on something to soothe everything. To calm himself down. But still, he knew he couldn't hold on much longer, and his hand only increased in speed as he called out. 

"Please..." 

The last part was mumbled, but still there. 

"Ty." 

"Tyler- fuck." 

"I hate you!" 

Every word was true, but still there was something there in the back of his mind. What was that sound? 

"Fuck... please... Ty." 

It was, his voice. Soft, gentle, and it echoed one thing; 'Ethan'. 

"Just... faster... harder..." 

'Ethan'

"I want you..." 

'Ethan' 

"Please, g- I'm gonna..." 

 

The one thing he should have felt was pleasure, right? He didn't.   
Huddling himself up in his duvet, he clutched onto the pillow, letting the tears stream down his cheeks. There should have been something to gain from this, but he felt more lost than before.

If he really hated him, then why was he cuming to the sound of his voice? To the memory of his voice, and the shape of his body. 

He didn't hate him; he loved him. That was why it hurt.


	51. ...

Ethan headed straight home after he got back from PAX, slumping down onto his couch in a heap. 

He'd seen Mark there, but he'd left early and didn't show at his panel. Sure, that was upsetting, and Ethan wondered if it was because he'd spoken to Tyler.   
Would he have made Ethan out to be the 'bad guy'? That just didn't make sense, and it didn't sound like something Tyler would do. But then, he didn't think he was capable of fucking and dumping, but then, he was wrong about that, wasn't he? 

"Daisy!" Ethan giggled as the playful dog jumped up to lick his cheek. "Fine, come up!" He beamed, patting the empty space next to him, and preceded to rub her belly. 

Was Tyler really the person he believed that he was from the very beginning? Of course, Ethan was scared at the start, and slightly cautious, but he was so gentle with Chica, he soon changed his mind. Maybe, that was a stupid thing to believe, just from one single interaction, but he felt he knew the truth just from that. Maybe-

A notification on his phone pulled his thoughts away from Tyler. 

Mark: Missed call at 17:59...

Ethan pulled up his list of contacts, and dialled him back. 

"Mark?" 

"Hey, um, Ethan? Where are you right now?" 

"I just got back home, why?" 

"How quickly can you come down to the hospital?" 

"What? Why? Are you okay? Is it Amy?" 

"No, Ethan, we're fine, just-" Mark sighed and hesitantly continued. "It's Tyler." 

Like that, Ethan had hung up and was already out the door. 

 

Just, hold on, okay? I don't know why you're in trouble, but, hold on. Wait for me one last time. Tyler.


	52. You wouldn't understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Takes place before the last chapter...

Tyler took a long swig of his beer as he continued to stare at Ethan's contact name.

Eth <3 

For a time, that name was different. It was just Ethan. Then, it changed to Blueberry, and then somehow it wound up as it was currently. It was probably at the time when he'd realised his true feelings. God, what a rollercoaster it had been. But, in the end, was it even worth it? 

He wasn't with him anymore. 

He wanted to delete it, change it back to just Ethan, but he couldn't. It didn't seem right. He scrolled down further and found Mark. 

Tyler hadn't gone to PAX this year, so Mark had said he'd come over after he was all done with his panel. That was, something, for Mark. He didn't usually do that kind of thing, but he was probably just concerned. Breaking up with Ethan and finding out that you're dying ALL at once isn't exactly the best thing in the world. 

As he took another sip, he felt something. The alcohol went down as smoothly as usual, but he felt a sharp twang near his stomach. 

Shit.

Obviously he wasn't supposed to be drinking, and he knew that. He had hoped that one beer would have been acceptable, but then realised that he hadn't only had one beer. He'd had two. So, maybe that was a bit of a push.   
Oh, wait, he'd had two. He was on his third. Crap.

He pressed Mark's contact, dialling him.

"Hey, bud! I'm just driving back now, I'm only about five minutes away." 

"Mark?" His voice when coarse when he felt the pain again, and it didn't go unnoticed. 

"What's up?" 

"My kidney, it's gotten worse. I need a lift to the hospital." 

"God, okay. Go wait outside, I'm almost there." 

"Okay, thank you." 

It was a fact; Mark saved his life that day. 

 

If he hadn't have been so nearby, I don't know what I'd have done. Ty.


	53. So, tell me

Walking down the corridor, Ethan felt his heart rise and fall in his chest. He didn't want to care as much as he did, but there was nothing he could do to help it.   
Why were there so many god damn doors? 

"Excuse me," Ethan stopped a nurse as they walked by, asking for help, "can you help me find what room my friend is in?"

Friend? 

"Sure, could you tell me their name?" 

"Um-" 

"Ethan!" 

He glanced past the nurse, spotting Mark stood outside a room, calling him over. 

"Never mind, thank you anyway!" 

Rushing over to Mark, he dreaded what the next few seconds could be like. Tyler could be dead, or on the verge of it, and he probably didn't even want to see him. He shouldn't even be there, and it's not like it would help either of them. One thing he couldn't expect was how either of them would actually react. 

"Mark?" Ethan asked as Mark stood in the doorway, preventing him from going inside. "What is it?" 

"He's okay, he just... Don't press him, okay?" 

"I won't. Just, let me see him." Mark nodded, and moved out of the way, letting Ethan pass. 

As soon as they saw each other, everything hurt. But then, it all felt better at the exact same time.   
Tyler was okay, or as okay as he could be. He'd been scanned again, and the alcohol had set him back a week or two, so sure, there was less time to find a matching donor, but everything would be okay. At least, that's what Mark kept telling him.   
He was tied up to the machine; it wasn't doing anything bad, just draining the alcohol from his system to prevent any further damage. Still, the image was a lot, especially to someone who had no idea of what was happening. Aka, Ethan, who stood frozen while an odd few tears streamed down his cheeks. 

"Ty?" Stammering, he stepped forwards, making sure to be cautious. He didn't know how Tyler would react to seeing him. 

At first, he didn't say anything. His eyes swam with a sadness at seeing his- at seeing Ethan so upset, and there wasn't anything he could do to protect him this time. He couldn't play this off; he was in a hospital bed, for Christ sake. He had to explain everything. Why he had broken up with him, and why he was in hospital, which just happened to have the exact same answer.   
As Ethan continued his slow approach, Tyler lifted his hand, gesturing him over. Almost immediately, he was by his side, and he got down in a crouching position, looking up into his eyes. 

"Are you okay?" 

Tyler smiled, lifting his hand up once more, placing it on the nape of Ethan's neck.   
He pulled him in a soft embrace, holding back tears as he felt Ethan's own falling on his shirt. Placing a kiss atop his head, he gently ran the same hand across his hair, calming him.   
It was as though they had never broken up, the way that they were acting now. Events like this bring out the truth. And the truth was, that neither of them had wanted to break up with the other. Now, all Ethan wanted, was answers. He was about to get them. 

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry." 

"It's okay." Ethan hiccuped lightly, burying his head into the crook of his neck. "Just, don't do it again." 

"I won't." Tyler chuckled softly, his tone just as gentle. "I love you." 

Ethan pulled away, eyes full of shock. 

"I know. I need to explain everything. But, just know, that breaking up with you was the biggest mistake I've ever made. And, I'm so sorry." 

...

"Ethan-" 

Their lips pressed together in a messy, rushed, gorgeous way, and Mark stood hiding his smile by the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> He will explain everything soon...


	54. Okay...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, for dramatic flare...
> 
> (Sorry boys and girls and those of no specific gender) xx

'Do you want me to walk you home?' 

'Sure.'

...

'Actually, no. Can we go to yours?' 

~

Tyler stepped through the door to Ethan's apartment, the smaller body closing the door after him. They sat down together on the couch; well, Ethan hovered for a while first, not sure what to do with himself. He didn't want to do anything that could hurt him, and their 'relationship' was still a little rocky. Whatever that was. 

"Do you, um, do you want anything? Like a drink, or something?" 

"I'm fine-" 

"The doctor said you need to drink a lot of water. I'll get some." Ethan stammered, but was already in the Kitchen by the time he could finish.  
Soon returning with the drink, he placed it down on the coffee table, but still refused to sit down. 

"Um, should I get you some food-" 

"Ethan," Tyler grabbed ahold of his hand, pulling him to a halt. "I'm fine. Sit down." 

Tyler blinked as Ethan's face came closer to his own, and realised that he may have pulled on his arm a little too much. 

"Um," Ethan blushed as he moved, their crotches grinding against each other. "Sorry. I don't want to hurt you." 

"You're not." Tyler sighed upon noticing an expression of worry etched on his face. "Actually, I do need something else." 

He was pushing it again, he knew that he was. But, he just had to. He had to make sure that everything was okay again. Ethan nodded, and went to get up again, before strong arms wrapped around him and prevented such an action. 

"I need you. I know that I hurt you, I know that, but I won't do it again." He cupped Ethan's cheek in his hand, and fought back the urge to kiss his soft lips until he received a response. "I promise. Okay," he ran his hands over Ethan's shoulders in a reassuring manner. "I promise."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How will Ethan respond??


	55. I guess, here goes nothing...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's a little later than usual xx

Lips brushed against Ethan's skin, earning soft moans and whimpers of pleasure. The large yet gentle hands which were laying softly on his sides, ran circles and raised goosebumps that only added to the feeling.   
Tyler stopped his trail of kisses at the hem of his underwear, looking up. 

"Are you sure?" 

Ethan nodded, and bit his lip in anticipation as he felt the fabric being removed. 

"What do you want?" 

"Hmm?" He looked down, startled. 

"Oh, I just meant- um, what you want to do? I don't want to go too far." 

"Um," blush formed easily on his cheeks, and he looked away. "Could you, maybe...?" 

"What?" 

"I don't want to say it, it's embarrassing!" 

They both began chuckling, and Tyler pulled himself up to kiss his cheek. 

"It's fine, just tell me." 

"No!" He smirked, taking a pillow and placing it over his head. 

"Do you wanna whisper it to me, sweetheart?" 

"What?" Ethan blushed again, moving the pillow away slowly. 

"Sorry. I thought it was, endearing." Tyler smirked, trying to hide his own blush now forming. 

"No, I like it... I, really like it." 

"Oh. Okay then," placing a soft kiss on his lips. "Sweetheart." 

Ethan shifted his look down to his length, looking up quickly again to hide the fact that he was more turned on than before. Still, Tyler noticed. 

"Come on, you don't have to be embarrassed with me." Tyler smiled, running his hand over Ethan's thigh. "Whisper it to me, sweetheart." 

Ethan blushed even harder as he pulled Tyler's ear closer to his lips, and became very aware of how loud he was breathing. He continued to speak in a shy, shaking voice. 

"I want to... make love. But, slowly. I want it to last. I want... I want us to last." 

Tyler looked up again, and his expression saddened. 

"We will last, Ethan. I promise you, I'm not going anywhere."


	56. ...

"Ethan, sweetheart?" Running his thumb gently over the smaller body's thigh, he smiled at the gentle feeling. 

"Hm?" 

"Could I explain everything to you, now? I don't want you to feel like you did something wrong, or anything like that." 

"... Okay." 

Tyler breathed in quickly, steadying the little nerves he had; he couldn't exactly feel nervous after the pure bliss he had just experienced.

"Do you remember, before, when we went to the hospital because of your accident?" 

He felt Ethan nod as he snuggled his head against Tyler's chest, and continued.

"Well, the doctor that I spoke to, he was talking to me about a check up I had before the tour." 

Immediately, Ethan lifted his head up and refused to look away from his gaze, an already saddened expression spread across his face, as though he already knew what was coming. 

"My kidney, it's failing again. And I," he had to steel himself after noticing Ethan's fear, and continued again. "I know, I shouldn't have broken up with you because of that, but I know that I'm going to act the way I did before. I was angry at the world, and my anger was turned towards the people I care about. I didn't want to hurt you, but I did so anyways." 

Ethan didn't answer for a while, simply blinking in disbelief. Then, he finally broke the silence. 

"Is that the only reason you broke up with me?" 

"Pretty much." Tyler stammered; that was not the response he was expecting.

"I don't care if you get a little grumpy with me. What hurts more is the fact that you didn't think I could handle it. I'm a man, Ty, not a boy." 

"I know, I just. I was scared, I guess. That you'd leave me anyway. I'm so selfish." He raised his hand up, covering up his face. Ethan lifted up his own and pulled it away. 

"It's not selfish. I, I get it. I'm sorry if I made you feel like I don't want you. Because, I do." 

"Yeah, I can tell." Tyler smirked, a sly smile on his face as the hand against his thigh ran up to his ass. 

"Yeah, whatever." He shoved his palm against Tyler's pec, and scowled as it didn't do anything. "I'm not gonna leave you, Ty." 

"Even if I only have six months left to live?" 

Ethan saddened again, but put on a reassuring smile. 

"Even if you only had one week left." Tyler could tell every word was true. "Plus, you still have a chance, right? There are donors." 

Tyler nodded, but even he began to grow upset. He lifted his hand up to Ethan's cheek, smiling softly. 

"Let's not think about that for tonight, okay?" His lips softened into a small smirk again. "I want to make love to you again, if that's okay?" 

Ethan nodded shyly, and gave one of his own confident smiles. 

"Maybe, I could make you feel good, this time?" 

"Oh, Ethan," Tyler shook his head. "You always make me feel good. But, I guess, I don't have any complaints."


	57. My explanation went like this

Two months later...

"I love you." 

"I love you, too." 

Ethan sniffed as he wrapped his arms tighter around Tyler's torso, nestling into his side. 

"That's all I need to know." Tyler beamed, placing a small, soft kiss atop his head of hair. "You're everything to me, did you know that?" 

Ethan chuckled, shyly ducking his head downwards further. 

"Shut up, I'm not." 

"You are," laughing quietly too, he pulled Ethan even closer to his side. "Don't you know that? Really?"

"I mean, I've heard you say it enough times, but... I don't know." 

"What do I need to do?" Ethan pulled his head back to look up at him. "To prove myself to you. To prove how much I really care."

"Ask him. Please, Ty."

"I can't. You know that I can't." 

"You can't, or you won't?" 

"You wouldn't understand-" 

"So, tell me." 

"Okay. I guess, here goes nothing." 

I can't ask Dan. But then, who's left to ask?   
Mark's checked, Amy and Kathryn too, although I've refused Ethan. I don't want him to have to do anything like that.   
Asked Bob, Wade. I don't want to have to drag more people into this. Mom can't, neither can dad or Jared. I'm screwed. Ethan must know that by now. I'm done for. 

"I can't ask Dan to give me a kidney, Ethan. First of all, we're not exactly on good terms, and second, it just, it's weird." 

"Why?" 

"Because, I'll be living with one of his kidneys. As stupid as this may sound, I'd... I'd be jealous." 

"Of what?"

"Well, part of me would be Dan. And, I want you to love all of me, but that means loving Dan? I don't know, it's hard to explain." 

Ethan smirked, before laughing loudly, burying his head into his chest. 

"For someone so smart, you can sure be an idiot sometimes. I wouldn't care if you had a freaking metal arm, I'd be yours and yours only." At seeing Tyler's still saddened expression, he continued. "If you're not gonna ask Dan, maybe I could ask him? Or, just let me see if I'm a match." 

"No, I don't want you having to have surgery because of me, Ethan. I couldn't do that to you."

"Then, can I ask him?" 

What am I doing? 

"Okay."


	58. Dan's POV

Ethan;) : Hey, Dan? Do you mind if I Skype you later? I need to talk.   
Dan : Yeah, sure! I don't mind   
Ethan;) : K, thanks! 

When someone says that they need to talk, it could mean multiple things. The immediate thing that came to my mind was Tyler. He must want to talk because something happened with Tyler, right? It was Ethan, after all.   
Ever since they'd been going out, I've had to pretend that I've been fine. Completely okay with them being together, but am I? No, I'm not. I can imagine how some people may feel about me after attempting to steer Tyler away from him. I get it; I may have been a little protective, or threatening, but it's because I... 

I was jealous. I saw something once in Ethan's eyes as he looked at Tyler, and that look was love. He never looked at me that way. He's only ever seen me as... I don't even know what. 

You may think what I'm going to do is sickening, and I know I probably shouldn't be even thinking of doing it, but I am. If there's even a slight chance that I could- whatever. I just, I know that they've broken up again. They must have. I have a chance again, now. 

I'm going to do it. Call me sick, a creep, I don't care.

I love him. 

So, what else matters?

 

Nothing.


	59. Tyler's POV

I didn't want to say okay. I don't really want you talking to Dan, let alone about my whole... thing. 

I mean, face it Ethan, I'm dying. You know that. Asking one person to check if they're a match isn't exactly worth it. And, do you think he's going to say yes? I have you and he doesn't. That alone is enough of a reason for him to say no. 

I don't understand. What's the point? I've given up, you know that I have. I just want to enjoy whatever I have left by being with you. Mark, Chica, Amy. Bob and Wade. 

I'm thinking of going up to see mom and dad. And Jared. I want to ask you if you'll come to. It could be like a little holiday, or something. I always dreamed of taking you back home, introducing you to my family. I just, I didn't think it would be because I'm dying, that's all. 

Some people say to live every day like it's your last. For the most part, I've done that. Doesn't mean I don't regret things, like not acting upon my instincts, not following my heart. If I was to look over the past few months, I'd say my main regret is not being with you sooner. Not being able to spend as much time with you as I would have liked.

God, what am I saying? I sound fucking crazy. 

Yes, I'm saying it. I thought it for a while, and the realisation is painfully evident. 

You're the one, Ethan. 

It sounds stupid, saying it aloud. I mean, I'm only 29, and you're only 21. We're both so young, and I doubt you'd ever chose me to be your forever. But, I'd love it if you were mine. 

I thought, at least, I'd be married before I died; had children, had an adventure, written a will. But, I haven't done any of those things.

At least I can say that I found the love of my life, right? And, the amount of charity work we've done. I made a difference. I lived. All the things we've done together, Mark, Bob, Wade. We did two tours, technically three, all the small sketches we made. We made people happy. I'm glad. 

I would have liked to do a little more travel, though. Go hiking somewhere cool, maybe. Just go around the world, really. I'd like to go with you. You and Mark. It'd be nice, don't you think? 

We could hire a cabin. Two, actually, because then me and you could... God, I love you. You're fucking perfect, and I'm a crying mess. 

I'd lay it all out. Candles, rose petals, the whole thing. We'd have all night together. I'd hold you where I know you like it - like really like it - make sure that you were happy. I'd make love to you. Then, I'd make love to you again. And again, until you were beautifully spent and let me carry you like a princess without complaint. 

I'd love to do that. 

Thank you, for letting me treasure you. 

I wish we had more time. 

 

Ethan Nestor, my sweetheart, I love you.


	60. Ethan's POV

Ethan: Dan, your screen isn't on  
Dan: I know  
Ethan: Well, it's just, I really need to talk  
Dan: We can just message?   
Ethan: This is important  
Dan: I don't think you'll like to see me right now  
Ethan: ?

Still, you put the screen on. I should have just listened to your warning, I suppose, because then we wouldn't be where we are right now.

"Dan, are you-?"

"Do you hate me?" 

"Dan, what the fuck! I wanted to talk to you, not watch you fuck yourself." 

"...Would you hate me even more if I told you I was thinking of you?" 

"...This was a bad idea. I'm going." 

"Wait! Help me, first. Please?" 

"No! Are you crazy?" 

"Please. I'm sorry, Ethan. I don't want to feel like this about you. But, maybe, if you help me, I'll get over you."

"I can't believe you." 

"Then, why are you still here?" 

"Because, I'm in love with Tyler. And, we need your help." 

"And yet, you're still watching this. If you really loved him, wouldn't you be watching him jerk off instead?" 

"Dan!" 

"I know it's not right, but... I can't help it. Help me, and I'll help you." 

"Friendship doesn't work like that. Bye, Dan." 

I'm sorry, Tyler. I hung up on him. One of your last chances, and I hung up. But, I couldn't do that to you. It would break your heart, and I love that big, dorky thing. I'm sorry.


	61. "Ethan?"

"You were, watching?" 

Ethan gulped as he watched Tyler at the door, not daring for a second to take his eyes off of him. How could he? He'd seen everything. He'd watched the whole thing. It was known fact already without even having to ask. In fact, he didn't. Not vocally, just gave a short nod.  
Then, you could already tell by the anger he wore on his face that he saw.   
He wasn't angry at Ethan, just Dan. It wasn't just because, 1) Ethan was his fucking life, but more that, 2)Dan had basically just forced himself on him, and that was not cool. 

I need to say something. Right? If you need me to clarify anything, I will. I didn't want to-  
I tried to click off straight away, I'm so sorry. I love you so much, Ty, and I wouldn't do anything to ruin that. I don't think you believe that I love you. You think your love for me is more than anything I could ever feel for you, but I swear. I love you.   
The thought of you, leaving me, is unbearable. You're a rock to me. I may have just ruined your chances, and I'm so sorry. But, I didn't want to break your heart. It's terrible. I'm terrible. 

"Um, I-" 

"Are you okay?" Ethan blinked in disbelief. "Are you alright?" 

"Yes, yeah, I'm, I'm fine." 

Tyler stepped forwards, and although his expression held an anger for Dan, his eyes held a worry for Ethan. 

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." 

"Okay." 

...

"Ty?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next part might be a little spicy XP 
> 
> Thank you guys for your ongoing support, it means so much to me; I'm sorry if this chapter may be a little shot but I'm hoping to make tomorrow's one longer! 
> 
> You guys are epic Xx


	62. "Tyler"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's true love! <3

"Mm... hold on." 

Pulling his lips away, Ethan rushed at taking Tyler's shirt off, before continuing a just as messy kiss.  
It wasn't exactly the response he had first expected from Tyler, but he didn't really have any complaints at the situation he now found himself in.  
Sure, maybe having sex in his recording room was a little, odd. If they were going to have sex. They were, right? 

"Ethan, wait." 

Tyler pulled away, resting his hands against Ethan's sides to keep him back, too. His eyes were panicked, as though the world was spinning or something terrible was happening, or going to. 

"This isn't, I don't want to do the whole, jealous sex thing-" 

"We're not." Ethan nodded his head in agreement, reassuring him with his own expression. "We're doing it because we want to. Because we love each other." 

"We do? I mean, you do?" 

"Tyler, how many times do I have to say it? I love you." 

That messy, rushed kiss continued, and it was almost as though everything they were doing was a natural reflex. The hands on each other, the movement of lips and tongues and teeth, and the removing of clothes, (which were just Tyler's shirt, and Ethan's jeans). It all happened as though it was meant to happen. As though it was always meant to happen; this exact moment.  
Then, Tyler pulled away again. This time, his expression was that of a smirk, his eyes full of passion and adventure, almost. 

"Ethan, do you trust me?" 

"Hmm? Of course I trust you. Why?" 

Resting his hands gently against Ethan's thighs, Tyler gestured down quickly to his boxers before locking their gazes once more. 

"I want to make you feel good. You always make me feel good-" 

"You always make ME feel good." Ethan giggled, although there was a hint of it being more of a nervous laugh than anything. "You mean, you want to...?" 

"Yes. If you'll let me." Slowly, Tyler gained a nod in response. "Say it. I want to make sure you're okay with it." 

"Yes, Ty. I want you to." 

Removing his boxers, Tyler at once sees how much Ethan really did want him. A lot, is the answer. Smirking a little at the sight, he places his hand at the base, and immediately hears his teeth clench together, an attempt to stifle a moan. 

"Don't hide it, sweetheart. Your room's soundproof, remember?" He says this almost tauntingly, as he slowly moves his hand up, thumb running over the tip. "Call out as loud as you want to." And, as a muttered side-note. "God, you're wet." 

"Ty?" 

"Mm?" 

"Um, what am I supposed to do?" 

"Relax, for a start. Enjoy it." 

~ Sorry, they need privacy kids ~

Hands tugged at Tyler's hair as he swallowed around him, lips leaving one last soft kiss before he pulled away, and gazed upon the mess that was his lover before him. His panting hadn't slowed - in fact, it may have even increased - and he couldn't take his eyes off of him. Slowly, Ethan leaned his hands down, pulling up Tyler's face to his own, and kissing him vigorously.  
When they pulled away, he gained a laugh in response to the reaction on his face. 

"What?" 

"I taste fucking gross." He began laughing too. "How did you swallow that?" 

"Eh, I kinda like it. That make me weird?" 

"Just about as weird as me!" Kissing his nose softly, Ethan smiled. "That was amazing." 

"I'm glad. Though, I could already tell from how loud you were. Good thing this really is soundproofed." 

"Yeah, okay!" He shoved his hands against Tyler's chest, giggling quietly. "What do you want to do, now?" 

"What do YOU want to do now?" 

Pondering for a moment, Ethan soon flung his arms out to Tyler, gesturing to be picked up. 

"Carry me to our room?" 

Tyler beamed, wrapping his arms together so that they rested under Ethan's butt, and lifted him up. With legs and arms wrapped around him gently, they headed out of the recording room and off to bed.  
Where, some other stuff may or may not have happened.  
That's love, sweetheart.  
Deal with it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boom!


	63. "You ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be." 

Tyler lay down on a hospital bed, prepped and ready for surgery. Luckily, they hadn't had to ask Dan after all. A donor had come in about two months before things would have gotten impossibly unlikely for survival, meaning that he had been miraculously saved. 

"We'll give you two some privacy." Amy spoke with a hint of a tease in her tone of voice, and headed out with Mark and Kathryn.

Ethan smirked, booping Tyler's nose playfully. 

"You'll be fine, Mister!" His cheeks were still streamed from a few tears he had shed previously; he was there when Tyler had gotten the call that morning, and thankfully they managed to fit him in right away. 

"Ever had surgery yourself?" 

"Not exactly..., but I know you'll be okay! You'rrrrre Tyler, and youuuu got this! You've done it already, so you'll be just fine." 

"Okay." Tyler chuckled, placing his hand gently at the side of Ethan's face, a pleasant smile formed on his lips. "Yep. If this is what I have to come back to, I promise there's no way I'll leave." 

"Shut up." Ethan giggled, shoving away from him gently. 

"Hey!" Patting his cheek softly, Ethan placed a soft kiss there, before kissing his lips too. 

"I love you, dork. Stay with me, okay?" 

"I will. Promise." 

With one last kiss, the nurse began to wheel the bed away into the operating room, leaving Ethan to stress in the waiting room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, sorry xx 
> 
> Next chapter; we'll meet some new people who may or may not stir up some troubles later on...
> 
> Also, thinking there will be only two more chapters on this story, but I will make another new story which will be a continuation, just so that this isn't too lengthy xx
> 
> Thanks for your ongoing support, I hope that you've enjoy the last chapters and the next work as well! XP


	64. "Always"

As I sit outside waiting for you to come back to me, come back to all of us, I lay my head against Kathryn's shoulder, lazily sipping a Starbucks iced coffee. 

One thought I'm dreading the most is that you might not come back. I never wanted to have that thought, but, unfortunately, I have been having it. Frequently. But, I won't let that happen. Because, I care about you too much to let you go from this world without you having done all the things you dreamt about. Making a large-scale difference on the world, (part-done, sure), seeing places, hiking through mountains and such; you're always so happy when you talk about that. I like seeing you happy. 

I can't imagine now not seeing you basically everyday. I love it when you come over after work, sheepishly knocking at the door to my recording room to see if I'm, well, recording or editing. If I'm recording, you apologise, but I can easily edit stuff like that out, so you needn't bother. When I'm editing, you come in; I hop out my seat, let you sit down there, and I sit in your lap and continue. Sometimes you slow me down by kissing at my neck or shoulder or ears, but I can't refuse how much I love it. 

I can't imagine not eating dinner with you and cuddling up to your chest at night. Kissing you sleepily in the morning when you head out to work, or when you send me sweet texts in your lunch breaks. In fact, I'm looking through some of those now, still laying on Kathryn and lazily drinking coffee. 

Ty <3 : Don't overwork yourself, sweetheart x  
Ty <3 : You're beautiful x  
Ty <3 : Don't worry about cooking, I'll get us some food on the way home x

"You guys are cute. Sorry, I didn't mean to look." 

"It's fine." 

I lift my head up now as I hear a vacant voice talking aloud to a nurse hear, asking about you.

"Which room is my son in? 

I turn to them, and there's three of them, and, I presume, they're your Mom, Dad, and brother, Jared. They seem nice, if not a little upset and therefore frantic in the moment.

"Mrs Schied." Mark stood up, gesturing them over, and he soon hugged your mom. They seem friendly, but I don't know how they'll react to everything still, (because I doubt that you've told them EVERYTHING). 

"You're all his friends?" Your dad studies us, and seems okay with us all. Most of us. I don't think he likes me yet. 

"Is he in there?" Your mom goes to the door, peering in. You're not done with Surgery yet, so they stand by the door. 

Mark offers his seat up, and soon we all do, but they don't accept and stay where they are. I really don't think they like me. Maybe Jared does, but your parents don't seem to at all. 

I hope you'll be okay...


	65. "Forever"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooo, last one...

Lifting my head up off Kathryn's shoulder, I lie in wait of the doctor's words as he exits the operating room. Although, I can't hear what he's saying, because he's talking to your family, not us. He doesn't tell us.  
On your parents' face, I think I see relief but it's hard to tell. I need to know you're okay. 

Why won't you tell us? 

Mark goes over now and speaks to your mom. They hug and pull apart, and your family head off somewhere. I assume it's to go and get something to eat. I'm not sure, though, I haven't eaten anything today. 

I remember, this morning, before we came here, you insisted on leaving early. I didn't know why, you just said that you wanted to go somewhere before surgery.  
We left pretty early, too. About a couple of hours before we had to be here. Driving up to a library, you parked the car, and we both headed inside. There was a small Starbucks and you bought me some coffee. Then, I waited as you took out some new books. You put them back into the trunk, but you never let me look at them. You never let me look in the trunk.  
Then, we went to other shops, but you never let me see what you bought there, either. I remember the last shop we went in the most. It was a jewellers. I wonder if you'll ever tell me why you went in there.

I break away from this thought as Mark comes over to me, sits down next to me, because I don't feel strong enough to look up. The smile on his lips tells me everything.

"Surgery went great. He should be fine." 

Still, the word 'should' doesn't help things. 

"You can go and see him, if you want to. I'm sure they'll let you." 

I do; I head inside. I walk past everyone, and I see you lying there. I know, it's early, but I think you're getting better already. I sit down in the chair next to you, and fall asleep. 

You're going to be okay...

 

"Ethan?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the END folks! Thanks for your support in this, I am thinking of making a second story afterwards, which will explain things such as Michael and what Tyler was setting up in the trunk of his car. 
> 
> Thank you all so much, and I appreciate every comment I have received. 
> 
> See you all in the next one! Xx

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to upload whenever I can... if this chapter ended sadly, then it's not the last one xx


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